Lint Roller M.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Questions and Answers by M.

This blog is presented in mp3 audio format. To listen or download, click the following link:

http://tinyurl.com/LintRollerM

PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I haven't written much about M. the past two weeks which is terrible because it's the last two weeks of the book, "The Story of M" out just in time for Christmas.

Personal health reasons are to blame. I haven't been in the best frame of mind to focus on the daily jest of M. though she has been as wonderful and as hilarious as always. She's really gone out of her way to make me laugh and feel comfortable, especially the week gone by. Just listen to the recently uploaded interview. She is absolutely on top of her game.

It was M.'s birthday a few weeks ago, so I bought her a card and a coffee cup to celebrate. In the card, I wrote the following quote which I stole from the BBC version of "The Office." I stole it because it perfectly sums out how I feel about M., and how much she adds to my day at work. She found out I cheated and pointed out how terrible it was that I used another person's voice to express myself. To make up for it, I gave her a poorly crafted homemade card with my own words written inside.

Here are the copied words that I felt originally hit the mark:


“The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. You don’t know them, it wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family, but probably all you’ve got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with- yeah... you are a ray of sunshine in my life..."


Happy Birthday, M.
Thank you for being you.

- Jake =)

QUESTIONABLE TUNA

Monday, November 2, 2009

M. cracks open a tupperware bowl of leftover tuna fish mix.

M: "I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry?"

She stirs the mixture around.

M: "Is this still good? It's been in my fridge for four days. I am eating questionable tuna."

When she's finished eating, M. announces that she smells like fish.

Our "famous" co-worker drops by and asks what that smell is.

M: "Don't be rude! It's me."

J: "What smells like road kill?"

I walk to M.'s cubicle and the smell intensifies. "It's your lunch bag!"

M: "No it isn't. It's me."

M.'s energy level is low.

M: "I'm so tired, if I blink I will fall asleep."

I show M. some notes I've jotted down for today's blog.

J: "Is there anything I should change?"

M: "I dunno, Jake, I can't read Chinese."

M. has a new "I don't care" dance. It's more of a weird shoulder twitch than a dance.

M: "Ask me a question, Jake. Anything. I don't care. See?"

Her shoulders gyrate up and down and tweak in fast, violent waves.

J: "Stop it!"

To make it worse, M. exaggerates chewing a piece of gum by sticking her tongue out of her mouth in between chomps.

M: "I scared some kid on Halloween."

J: "Chewing your gum like that or dressed as a lint roller?"

M: "I didn't dress as a lint roller. I had the costume together but I couldn't move around in it, so I dressed as a witch instead. Before I left, this little boy came to the door. He's standing there with his bag out expecting candy. I have an orange wig on and my black dress and my face is almost black. He says, 'Trick or treat,' then he looks up at me and starts crying."

J: "Can you blame him? He could probably smell you."

HOT DATE

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

M. searches a list of up-coming concerts on the internet.

M: "Oooh, Rob Zombie is coming on November 5th! Is that a Thursday?"

She looks at the homemade printed calendar tacked to her cubicle wall.

M: "I made up my own days for November so I don't know if it's right."

She flips through a pre-printed desk calendar until she lands on November 5th.

M: "Oh yes, it's right. November 5th is a Thursday!"

J: "Do you know what concert I want to see?"

M: "Pimpernelli?"

J: "No- what?"

M: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

J: "What is Pimpernelli? I don't get it."

M: "Hahahahahahaha... Ahhhh, ahhh..." (Wipes tears from her eyes.) "I have to pee."

She leaves, then comes back, still laughing.

M: "I have to go not tanning tonight."

J: "Not tanning?"

M: "Oooh! DJ Tiesto is playing on the 20th, which is a Friday! Sounds like I have a hot date with my son."

NATURAL TALENT

Thursday, November 5, 2009

M. spins around in a full 360 degree circle in her chair.

M: "Did you see how smooth that was? Jake! Listen to me! If you had a newly discovered natural talent I would listen to you. See?"

She spins around again and almost crashes into the cubicle wall.

J: "Smooth."

THURSDAY NIGHT ON TRAX

Saturday, November 7, 2009 I relayed the following true story to M. via text message: Last night I took Trax from the Sandy end of the line. Keep in mind, I was alone and I'm a guy- so I have no purse or bag with anything in it. The goal was to meet my friend, Bart, downtown for a movie screening of "Gentlemen Broncos." As soon as the Trax starts going, I get this massive nose bleed. It doesn't stop. I use my fingers to pinch the flow but I get blood all over my digits and my face. Then, at the Murray Central stop, I realize I left the movie tickets in my car!! By now, the bleeding has stopped but the blood is dried and brown all over my hands. I get off Trax and wait for another train to come and take me back to Sandy. The car is full of people coming home from work. I look like shit. I'm getting looks. A guy sitting in front of me actually stands up and moves to another seat. Finally, I make it back to my automobile, wipe myself off with an eyeglass cleaner pad and decide to just drive downtown. The moral of the story- Sometimes you can't help looking like a drug-addicted serial killer. On top of that, my bottle of Lortab fell out of my pocket onto the parking lot. Fuuuuu*k!! It's gone. Lost. Who knows who has it now. M.'s response: That's happened to me before, but I wasn't bleeding from my nose.

YEE YEE YEE YEE

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

M. is at work today! She's been out the past 2 days with swine flu-like symptoms.

M: "It's not swine flu. I tested negative."

She is wearing black pants and a yellow hoody.

J: "You look like you're from Star Trek."

I tell M. about my recent re-discovery of The Beatles. What other group has come close to the level of perfection as The Fab Four?

M: "What about Madonna?"

J: "Mmmm..."

M: "What do you have against Madonna?"

J: "She's not the Beatles."


M: "We need to detox, Jake. And, no I don't mean a colonoscopy."

J: "How do we detox?"

M: "By eating special foods. Apples, Jake. You eat nothing but apples for three days. Then on the third day you wake up and go yee-yee-yee-yee."

J: "..."

M: "That was my impression of a horse. When you do that, you know you're cured and you want to eat hay."


M: "Jake, why can't you take anything seriously?"

ARE YOU EATING YAMS?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

J: "Are you eating yams?"

M: (Scooping a big spoonful of yams into her mouth.) "No."

J: "Yes, you are."

M: "Prove it!" (She chews ferociously on the yams stuffed in her cheeks.)

J: "The proof is in your mouth."

M: "You can't prove a thing!"

J: "There are yams in your braces."

M: "Those could be from a week ago, Jake. It proves nothing."

J: "You're sitting there eating yams. Why do you deny it?"

M: "No, I'm not. What is your problem?"

J: "Obviously, I'm retarded."

Later in the day, I get M. good.

J: "You've just been OYCED, FACED, and BURNED all in one fell swoop."

I lick my finger and press it to my butt. I make a hissing noise.

J: "Burned! Oyced! Faced!"

I move the palm of my hand up and down in front of my face.

J: Yeah, do you remember 1987? I do. It was the year of the OYCE!"

M. tosses a wheat protein berry shake packet at me and leaves.

PLEASE DON'T

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

M. tosses a Sweet N Crunchy Planters Peanut at me. I throw some back at her until she threatens to impail me with a spoonful of rice.

J: "Please don't," I beg.

M: "What did you say?"

J: "Don't."

M: "Before that?"

J: "Please?"

M: "Oh, you said please. How cuuute!"

She doesn't throw rice, but soon afterward she pretends to chuck a large apple at my face. I flinch in terror.

M: "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!! The look on your face was priceless! Once in a lifetime, Jake. Hahahahahaha..."

J: "You don't have to be a jerk, M."

She wads up scrap pieces of paper and throws them over the newspaper I'm trying to read. Apparently, M. needs constant attention.

I throw the wads back at her. She sticks them underneath her shirt so they sit below each of her breasts. She resembles some sort of human-animal hybrid.

M: "Look at me. What am I? I need two more pieces of paper."

J: "I really wish I had not seen that."

I shiver.

BI-LATERAL VERBAL CONTRACT

Thursday, November 19, 2009

M: "I have this tea and when I drink it, it makes part of my mouth dry so I talk like this... So the odder day I was wocking... Ha ha ha! Have you noticed?"

M. criticizes everything I eat, whether it's a PB&J sandwich for breakfast, a salad with ranch dressing for lunch, or a small crispy apple in between.

J: "Why does it matter to you what I eat? YOU eat PB&J's for breakfast too."

M: "It doesn't make it healthy."

She derives a brilliant plan:

M: "You're going to love this. Jake, for every bad thing you eat, you ow me $1.00"

J: "I don't agree to that."

M: "And based on what you've had today, you owe me $5.00 already."

J: "What??"

Later in the day, M. asks if I want some M&M's.

J: "No thanks."

M: "No?? You owe me another $1.00!"

J: "I don't owe you anything. You're living in some strange imaginary bubble, M. I live in reality. Why do you even care what I eat??"

M: "We have a bi-lateral verbal contract, Jake. Bi-lateral! And you agreed to it. Bi-lateral means there is a ladder between us. See?"

J: "You live in a bubble."

TRUE LOVE

Monday, November 23, 2009 The following text conversation happened early this afternoon... M: "I've found the love of my life!" J: "Heath?" M: "Bruno. It's true love!" J: "Oh Jesus. He's gay. And he's also a fictional character." M: "No one if perfect, Jake!" J: "Ha ha. You goof." :)

TEN THOUSAND STEPS

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

M. bought a pedometer to measure the amount of steps she takes on a daily basis. Without warning, she lifts up her shirt and places her hand near the rim of her pants. My eyes go wide because it appears she's going to strip, but she only flashes me her pedometer.

M: "10,000 steps, Jake. How many have I done? 748. I need to walk more."

J: "Does it count if you just sit down and move your legs?"

M: "That's cheating!"

J: "Does it work?"

She tries it.

M: "It doesn't work. You can't cheat, Jake. You have to actually walk 10,000 steps. I don't know how I'm going to do it."

A few minutes later, M. derives at a brilliant conclusion.

M: "You are so jealous of my meter, Jake. Why are you so jealous? Admit it! You can just go by one, anyone can. There's no reason to be jealous of me."

J: "I'm not jealous."

M: "Yes you are, I saw your eyes go wide when I first showed it to you."

J: "That's because I thought you were showing me something else."

M: "I see you sitting there now when the thought of my pedometer comes to your brain and your eyes flicker and then you try to play it cool by acting like you don't care, but you DO care. You are jealous! Jake, don't be jealous."

J: "Oh, God."

Later, M. tosses a scrunched up piece of paper at me. I wasn't expecting it so I flinch, which causes an eruption of laughter from M.

M: "Nice catch, Jake. Here, throw the paper back to me and I'll show you what you look like."

I toss the paper wad at her. M. flails her arms and legs about like a crazed loony bird and lets the paper hit her in the face.

M: "That's Jake."

J: "I don't have braces."

M: "I know, and I need glasses too but just use your imagination... that's hard for you, I know, but just try. WAIT! I've got it."

A few minutes later, M. turns around to reveal orange paper eyeglasses, moustache, and goatee cut from construction paper and sloppily taped to her face. She looks like Robin from Batman and Robin. Or an insect. Or a freaky Dr. Freud.

M: "I'm you!"

M. LIBS #1 THE DASTARDLY SLAP

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Welcome to the first installment of M. LIBS! Write down the words in the blanks below and then read the hilarious true story aloud to your friends. HOURS OF FUN!!


WORDS:

#1.) Type of bird __________
#2.) Piece of office furniture __________
#3.) Type of animal __________
#4.) Female body part __________
#5.) Female body part __________
#6.) Female body part __________
#7.) Female body part __________
#8.) Female body part __________
#9.) Fast Food Restaurant __________
#10.) Emotion/Sensation __________
#11.) Female body part __________
#12.) Adjective __________
#13.) Piece of office furniture __________



STORY:

Today, M. sits at her desk, not unlike a ____#1____ sits at it's ____#2____. Suddenly, a ____#3____ walks by and slaps M. in the ____#4____ so hard, she falls onto her ____#5____, then hits her ____#6____ on the ____#7____, and lands face-down on the ____#8____.

"Eek!" a co-worker shouts, "Somebody call ____#9____!"

In the end, M. is ____#10____, and only her ____#11____ is ____#12____.

J: "Keep your private life out of it, and get off of that ____#13____."


THE END.

THAT SILENT NERD

Thursday, December 10, 2009

M: "I don't talk much, but when I do, it's fact, accurate... I'm like that silent nerd."

M: "Sushi wasn't invented in Japan, Jake. That's a myth. Sushi was invented here in the USA in Texas. It's just like you think Mexico has tacos. There are no tacos in Mexico. It's a myth."

M: "Jake, have you seen Dancing with the Blue Iguana?"

J: "No."

M: "Yes you have! You've seen it, Jake."

J: "OK."

M: "Jake, it's not dancing with the Blue Iguana, it's dancing at the Blue Iguana, and I'm not even sure it's an iguana. Concentrate, yo!

ROCKY III

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

M.'s purse/bag is decorated with red and white vertical stripes. Hanging from the top is a gold chain.

J: "Your bag looks like Rocky III. It's the color of Rocky's shorts and has Mr. T's gold chains."

M: "Where's the Blue?"

M. tosses a wad of paper at me so I stand up and drop-knee kick it back. The paper flies flawlessly into M. and she is very impressed.

M: "Wow! I want to do that."

She stands up, chucks the wad of paper in the air and attempts what can only be described as a coke-addicted ballerina stopping herself from falling over backward. She misses the paper a few times, and by the next try I'm worried M. is going to kick me in the goonies. Finally, the paper riccochets off her knee down the aisle sideways.

Later, I headbutt a wad of paper at M.

M: "Do the kick again!" she scrambles for her iPhone to record it.

J: "No way."

M: "Oh, you're worried that I'm going to study your technique and master it and then come to work and kick two papers in the air at the same time and have them come together and crash! Then fall to the floor right before your very eyes, aren't you? Aren't you?"

J: "Not really, but that would be cool to see."

STORY OF MOO

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Today our team went out for lunch in celebration of the holidays. The following happened before we left work:

M: "It's all your fault, Jake."

J: "What? I haven't even taken my coat off yet. What did I do?"

M: "You know what you did."

J: "Good morning."

M: "I only have half of your Christmas present with me because the other half hasn't arrived yet. Now nobody gets their presents today because of you and now you all have to wait until Monday. Way to go, Jake!"

J: "Wow." (I walk to M.'s desk and place a gift quietly on her desk.) "Merry Christmas."

M: "Oh, thank you!"

She tears open the glittery dark purple packaging when our "famous" friend approaches.

FF: "Does anyone have paper? I need paper."

M: "Toilet paper?"

FF: "No, wrapping paper. Ooh, I like that."

M: "Do you want this? You can have it when I'm done."

FF: "Yeah."

M. carefully unwraps the rest of the paper. She is careful not to disturb the red bow stuck near the top. When all of the paper is finally removed, M. is left holding her brand new hardback copy of "Story of M." the novelization of this very blog, created on LuLu.com

FF: "Story of Moo? what is that?"

M: "Story of M."

FF: "What does the M. Stand for? Does it mean Story of Me?"

J: "No."

My Cube Mate: "Is that the Ernie book, Jake?"

J: "It's Story of M. You know, like Story of O, but more sexual."

My Cube Mate: "Oh."

J: "Although I kind of like Story of Moo. Should I change the title?"

M: "Ha ha ha. No."

On the inside cover, written in pen is the following:

I was downtown and saw this weird little book in an old porn shop.

"Wow! That sounds just like M!," I thought. So you get it for Christmas.

I hope you love it. It made me laugh so hard my eyeballs burped.

XOXOXO,
- Jake =)

Buy the hardback book here:

Download the PDF file here: (FOR FREE) http://www.lulu.com/items/volume_66/7858000/7858304/1/print/Story_of_M_final2.pdf

CUBA

Wednesday, December 30, 2009 The following text message happened hours ago... J: "WHERE ARE YOU?? I just had the weirdest dream about body painting in high school. WTF?!" M: "Where am I?? I think the question here is WHERE ARE YOU???" J: "I am painting with my entire body." J: "AND I'm eating Fruity Pebbles." M: "Aha..." J: "...?" M: "No comment." M: "On the Fruity Pebbles." J: "Where are you?" M: "I'm having breakfast on the beach in Cuba." J: "What??" M: "Yeah. Don't be jealous, Jake. You're not brave like me. You might worry about all that sanctioned country B.S." M: "I might bring you back a cigar IF I decide to come back." M: "It's 84 degrees out here, Jake. And the Mojitos are to die for." J: "I don't smoke." M: "You don't have to."

DRAMATIC LIGHTING

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Before I left for the holidays, all of our cubicles were decorated with long streams of garland, mini Christmas trees, and tiny snowman pins. Atop my cubicle someone placed a shiny silver cut-out star. It was kind of big and depending on where you sat (and what time of day it was), you could get a blinding flash to the face.

M: "It looks like someone threw up Christmas in here."

I turned around and saw the light from the aforementioned star shining perfectly across M.'s eyes. She looked like a film actress from the 1940's.

M: "Who did all of this, Jakeypoo? Was it you?"

I paused to note the dramatic effect of the lighting. She noticed and used it to her advantage by glancing sleekly from side to side and pursing her lips out, baloney style.

J: "Are you sitting right there on purpose?"

M: "Jake, what are you talking about?"

She smiled, bearing every piece of her braces. The glare that burst from her mouth was like silver fire engulfing my face. For a moment, I was blind.

J: "Ahhh! Your braces!"

M: "Jakeypoo!"

She laughed and after awhile the sun moved, causing the streak of light to crawl away from her face.


M: "I hate Christmas."

YOU ARE A TREE TODAY

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

M: "Jake, you are a tree today. Ha ha ha. What kind of tree are you? You're a confused tree because you're green when you should be all brown. It's winter, Jake."

I am wearing a green corduroy, long sleeve shirt with brown pants.

M: "You don't want to be a shrub. Do you want to be a shrub? 'Shrub Cordova?' No."

I ask M. who she thinks would win in a fight between Punky Brewster and Arnold from 'Diff'rent Strokes.'

M: "I don't know who that is."

J: "Arnold? He's that 30 year-old man who played a 12 year-old kid on a TV show from the 80's."

M: "I didn't watch that. I also didn't watch 'Punky Brewster.' How can you watch TV when you're a tree, Jake?"

UP DOG IN HERE

Thursday, January 7, 2010

M: "It smells like up dog in here."

J: (Blank stare.)

M: "I have a GPS if you need help finding my humor."

I decide to ask M. some questions.

J: "What is your favorite beach in the world?"

M: "Let me answer this questions as short as I can. In order for me to tell you what is my favorite beach in the world, I would have to know each beach in the world. Let's go with Cancun."

J: "What's the next country you want to visit?

M: "China."

J: "What one thing are you craving today?"

M: "Chocolate."

J: "What CDs are in your car or home stereo right now?"

M: "The one you gave me yesterday (in my car)."

J: "What are three of your guilty pleasures?"

M: "Shopping. Eating. Watching movies."

J: "What was the last book you read? Did you enjoy it?"

M: "Um... oh my gosh, this is horrible. 'The Story of O.' My God, that is the last book I read? What if I died today?? People are going to think I'm horrible. Yes, of course I enjoyed it."

J: "What is must-see TV for you?"

M: "The Office... Arrested Development... The What's it Called Theory... I dunno."

J: "If you met the right person, how many children would you have?"

M: "Zero."

CLEAN MY HOUSE DO MY LAUNDRY

Saturday, January 23, 2010

M: "I'm very lady-like in my gum chewing abilities."

M: "Don't write that."

I ask M. more random quirky questions:

J: "If you had your own factory, what would it make?"

M: "Shoes."

J: "If you could eat only one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

M: "Italian."

J: "If you could build your own robot, what would it do?"

M: "Clean my house, do my laundry."

J: "If you had to design a postage stamp, what would you put on it?"

M: "A picture of Buddha."

J: "If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?"

M: "Invisible."

J: "If you had a shrinking device, what's the first thing in your house you'd miniaturize?"

M: "Memo." (Her pet Chihuahua.)

J: "If you could invite one special guest of honor to your birthday party, who would it be?"

M: "Rock N Rolla."

J: "If you could have any kind of animal for a pet, what would it be?"

M: "Horse."

J: "If you could jump into a swimming pool full of any type of food, what would you choose?"

M: "Smooth peanut butter."

J: "If you had to smell like one thing for the rest of your life, what would you choose?"

M: "Patchouli."

J: "Instead of leaves (or money), what do you wish would grow on trees?"

M: "Clouds. Imagine it! Little clouds, big clouds, all types of clouds growing on a tree."

J: "What's one thing you could do every day without getting bored of it?"

M: "Sleep."

NUN YA

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

M: "So, I know the solution to all of my problems, Jake. Are you ready? I'm going to marry God."

M: "In other words, I'll become a nun. I mean, I'm already almost there personality-wise, the way I dress, etc. I'm almost there. I just need to buy a nun outfit and then my problems will be 'POOF!'"

J: "Can a nun wear fashionable shoes?"

M: "Crap! I'm going to have to do some research."

J: "I've never seen a nun with a purse like yours, or wearing as much perfume."

M: "It's not perfume."

J: "What about Heath Ledger? Rock N Rolla? Citizen Cope? Just this morning you were talking about marrying Citizen Cope when he comes in concert."

M: "See? All of those are problems. That's why I'm becoming a nun."

M: "By the way, I know what you mean about foods tasting like elephant because sometimes I've been eating food, like pork, where you can smell where the pig has been sitting there in the hot sun and you can taste it in the food. So I know what you mean, the smell, the taste. It might not be not elephant, it's pig, but I understand."

COPE

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

M. is dressed all in black from head to toe. She looks good. The top of her hair sticks up like a cockatiel and her braces gleam against her tan complexion.

J: "Have you given more thought to your nun fashionry?"

M: "I'm practically falling into it... the habit. That's why I'm dressed like this today. I also changed the screen saver on my phone. See?"

J: "The Virgin Mary? You used to have a picture of Buddha on your phone."

M: "I can't marry God and have a screen saver of Buddha. Conflict of interest, is what that's called. I don't think God would like it."

J: "What about Citizen Cope?"

M: "He's too complicated, Jake. He doesn't even know I exist."

J: "Why don't you talk to him, introduce yourself."

M: "OK, pretend you're Cope."

J: "Sure. Like this?"

(I let my mouth hang open and droop my eyes, doing my best to look stoned.)

M: "Cope, you don't know me but you've been writing songs about me for years. I think we should talk."

J: "I have? Cool! Let's go."

M: "...and when you come in concert next March I want you to announce to the crowd that you love me, M. Lightning Bolt! I'll be standing in the front row in my wedding dress ready to marry you."

J: "What? No, no, no! Don't do that. You'll scare him away."

M: "See? That's why I'm marrying God. He's less complicated."

J: "How are your braces?"

M: "My braces are doing good but because my tooth is moving, my gums are wrinkled. Don'twritethat!"

J: "What do you do for wrinkled gums"?

M: "There's a cream."

J: "Really?"

M: "No, Jake! Don't write that either. There isn't a cream. I'm beginning to think that when I say don'twritethat it means it's going in the blog."

J: What is Citizen Cope going to say when he kisses you and feels your wrinkled gums?"

M: (All sorts of excited.) "He's going to kiss me?!?"

J: "Doesn't that go without saying? I mean, if you end up marrying him instead of God or Heath Ledger."

M: (Sticking her finger in her mouth and rubbing her gums.) "I don't think he'll feel the wrinkles, but if he does I'll tell him there's always a first time."

J: "Then what?"

M: "Then he tells me I taste like elephant. And I say, 'How do you know about that, Cope? Don't let these gums fool you. You've been singing about me for five years!' (Especially the song, Sideways.) That's the one he sings by himself, but you should hear him play it with Santana. It sounds amazing."

M: "This has been the longest day for some reason. I think it was the sandwiches. Bye!"

CORDUROY PILLOWS

Thursday, January 28, 2010

J: "Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines."

M: "Hahaha! I'm going to text that to my kids. How do you spell corduroy?"

(A few minutes later.)

M: "So I asked my daughter if she's heard of corduroy pillows and this is her response: 'Mom, are you drunk? Is that a band?' My son replied, 'Is that a band? Is it a movie? Mom, what is it?'"

J: "But you didn't send the punch line."

M: "I know, I'm waiting for them to say, 'No, I haven't heard of corduroy pillows.' but instead I get, 'Mom, are you drunk?' When am I ever drunk?? I'm at work."

It's all in the delivery.

FINGER TALK WITH CRACKERS

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

M: "Have you ever had a finger talk to you?"

J: "No..?"

M: "Well, this will be the first time then."

She walks to my desk with her hand in a fist and puts it in front of my face. She slowly moves her fingernail over her thumb and says the following in a high, squeaky voice:

M: "Hello, Jake! How are you?"

I look at her face. She whispers for me to answer the finger. I look back at her finger.

J: "I'm fine. How are you?"

M: "Jake! Are you really talking to a finger? Ha ha ha!"




M: "Is it disgusting to have egg stuck in your braces, or no, is that not disgusting at all? Don't write that! Jake, I'm going to take your pen away and your paper!"
M: "Ew! I just burped and it was gross."


M: "Jake, I'm open to intelligent conversation, ya know, but hearing you talk about your I.G.A. generic crackers... I get bored. Your crackers aren't as cool as mine. See? Zesta! They don't even compare."

J: "Mine are also Zesta."

M: "Jake, no. Your generic crackers are boring."