PLEASE DON'T

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

M. tosses a Sweet N Crunchy Planters Peanut at me. I throw some back at her until she threatens to impail me with a spoonful of rice.

J: "Please don't," I beg.

M: "What did you say?"

J: "Don't."

M: "Before that?"

J: "Please?"

M: "Oh, you said please. How cuuute!"

She doesn't throw rice, but soon afterward she pretends to chuck a large apple at my face. I flinch in terror.

M: "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!! The look on your face was priceless! Once in a lifetime, Jake. Hahahahahaha..."

J: "You don't have to be a jerk, M."

She wads up scrap pieces of paper and throws them over the newspaper I'm trying to read. Apparently, M. needs constant attention.

I throw the wads back at her. She sticks them underneath her shirt so they sit below each of her breasts. She resembles some sort of human-animal hybrid.

M: "Look at me. What am I? I need two more pieces of paper."

J: "I really wish I had not seen that."

I shiver.