Tuesday, December 1, 2009

M. bought a pedometer to measure the amount of steps she takes on a daily basis. Without warning, she lifts up her shirt and places her hand near the rim of her pants. My eyes go wide because it appears she's going to strip, but she only flashes me her pedometer.

M: "10,000 steps, Jake. How many have I done? 748. I need to walk more."

J: "Does it count if you just sit down and move your legs?"

M: "That's cheating!"

J: "Does it work?"

She tries it.

M: "It doesn't work. You can't cheat, Jake. You have to actually walk 10,000 steps. I don't know how I'm going to do it."

A few minutes later, M. derives at a brilliant conclusion.

M: "You are so jealous of my meter, Jake. Why are you so jealous? Admit it! You can just go by one, anyone can. There's no reason to be jealous of me."

J: "I'm not jealous."

M: "Yes you are, I saw your eyes go wide when I first showed it to you."

J: "That's because I thought you were showing me something else."

M: "I see you sitting there now when the thought of my pedometer comes to your brain and your eyes flicker and then you try to play it cool by acting like you don't care, but you DO care. You are jealous! Jake, don't be jealous."

J: "Oh, God."

Later, M. tosses a scrunched up piece of paper at me. I wasn't expecting it so I flinch, which causes an eruption of laughter from M.

M: "Nice catch, Jake. Here, throw the paper back to me and I'll show you what you look like."

I toss the paper wad at her. M. flails her arms and legs about like a crazed loony bird and lets the paper hit her in the face.

M: "That's Jake."

J: "I don't have braces."

M: "I know, and I need glasses too but just use your imagination... that's hard for you, I know, but just try. WAIT! I've got it."

A few minutes later, M. turns around to reveal orange paper eyeglasses, moustache, and goatee cut from construction paper and sloppily taped to her face. She looks like Robin from Batman and Robin. Or an insect. Or a freaky Dr. Freud.

M: "I'm you!"


  1. I would pay money to see a picture of her in the paper Jake mask!

  2. I don't have orange hair, and my eyeglasses are black.