YOU CAN READ ANYONE

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I brought a book to work this morning called, "You Can Read Anyone." It gives some good insights into anyone's personality and provides the necessary tools to read a person's motives.

One chapter describes the general characteristics of a person with "Low Self-Esteem, Arrogance," or "LE-A" for short.

I read the following aloud to M. (Does this sound like anyone you know?)


LE-A Arrogant: This person needs to be the center of attention and is often loud, easily frustrated, and a big complainer. She seeks constant reinforcement and adulation from others, and will become angry when these are not received in sufficient and continual quantities. She usually doesn't mind offending or insulting someone if it will make her look better or smarter in others' eyes.


Signs of LE-A:

• She's easily frustrated, angry and controlling, feeds off attention and can often be seen as aggressive, not only with people, but with her environment as well.
  
• She's often bragging and boasting when she's achieved a minor success.
  
• She's consumed by material possessions, seeking to fortify her sense of importance, no matter what the conversation, she tries to impress the other with her knowledge and is bent on steering the focus back to her.
  

M: "Don't put people in boxes!"

J: "Don't let a book tell you who you are. You are M! The greatest person who ever lived!"

M: "Is it 4:00 yet?"

ERASED

Thursday, February 25, 2010 Each time a blog entry is prepared for publishing, there are several comments, paragraphs, and even complete sections of dialogue that get erased from the final draft for various reasons. Today, instead of leaving the erased moments out, they are the focal point. We are left with an amusing grab bag of random segments. Please read with caution, and enjoy! M: "Wouldn't it be awesome if we could say, 'I'm erasing that from my mind!' and it was gone- POOF! Just like that. Wouldn't that be awesome?" J: "What would you erase?" M: "I don't have a fridge, Jake. OK?" J: "Because you erased it?" M: "Well, I would start with erasing whatever you're writing down because it's all lies! It never happened!" J: "The part about you not having a fridge? M: "Yeah, because I never said that. I don't have a fridge and I don't have liposuction. It's called priorities, Jake. OK?" J: "You are nuts!" M: "Maybe I should start wearing a diaper." J: "Out of every person who fainted in a public place in 2009, how many do you think vomited on the way down? I don't know the answer, I'm just curious about what you think." M: "Well, Jake, in 2009 exactly 4,289 people fainted in public. Of those people, 22 threw-up on the way down. Exactly 22. No more, no less." J: "You called me Panzon, I don't get it. My pants are off!" M: "Do you know what that movie, 'The Fly,' taught me? And I think movies never teach me anything. I follow it to this day. NEVER GET INTO STRANGE MACHINES WITH INSECTS! I even check when I go tanning. Do flies tan? Jake, what is your problem? No-no... nooo... They do! Remember that fly I killed? He was eating tanning lotion. FLIES DO TAN!! J: "If you had the choice of eating yellow or white dog poo, which would you choose?" M:" Yellow OR white?" J: "Yes. You can choose either yellow dog poo or white dog poo. Whatever one you want to eat." M: "I would choose white because that means he ate marshmallows. Yellow would mean he ate some kind of curry, so... yuck!" M: "The other day, I was eating my fingers in the kitchen and my daughter said to me, 'Mom! Stop eating your fingers. Do you know eating your fingers is compared to people who eat their own hair?' Jake, do you know there are people who eat their own hair?" J: "Yes. You didn't know that?" M: "No." J: "Everyone knows that. Stop chewing on your digits." M: "Here, Jake. Smell this." J: "What is it?" M: "Just smell it. Doesn't that smell good?" J: "It smells like chloroform. Did you already wipe yourself with this or do you need it back?" M: "Nah, just throw it away." J: "Thank you for asking me to smell your trash." M: "Ha ha ha!"

TIME OUT

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

M: “You know how in video games they have a SAFE ROOM where no one can hurt you? You can’t get shot. You are safe from harm.”

J: “Yeah.”

M: “We need something like that, like a sign that means no more joking.”

J: “You do realize we had a conversation five minutes ago where I asked you why you felt the need to argue with everything I say. And I asked you, ‘What is the worst that could happen if you allowed yourself to agree with me on anything?’ Right? Your response was, ‘I don’t argue with you, Jake.’ An argument! Do you remember?”

M: “We need a sign! What is the sign, Jake?”

J: “For what?”

M: “For the safe room. What should we use? This?” (She makes the universal symbol for TIME OUT with her hands.)

J: “How about this?” (I flip her the bird.)

M: “So if we’re joking around and it needs to stop, I do this.” (She flips me off with both hands.) “And that means we stop? There has to be a level of trust here. We both have to agree to take it seriously.”

J: “You’ll abuse it.”

She laughs. For the next several minutes M. uses the TIME OUT sign and flips me the bird after everything I say. Eventually, I pull out our old friend the black and yellow DIVORCE UMBRELLA and open it up between us.

M: “Oh, the DIVORCE UMBRELLA? Ha! That’s no match for the WALL OF DIVORCE SHAWL!” (She tapes her shawl across her cubicle. It’s a ratty mess with two very large holes across the center and various messed up sections. I toss wads of paper over the top of it. They land on M.’s head. She peeks through one of the holes and laughs. Then she puts her hands through and does the TIME OUT sign.)

J: “You really need to burn that thing.” (Referring to the shawl.)

M: “Yeah, it smells really bad. Ew, it does! Here, Jake. Smell it.”

J: “No! I believe you! You’ve been sitting on it.”

M. wads up the old tan shawl and tosses it in a small garbage can.

J: “Just like that, huh?”

M: “That’s how I roll.”

J: “You need to set it on fire.”



After M. leaves for the day, I wait a few minutes and call her.

M: “Hello?”

J: “Hey, in your rush to leave you left something on your desk.”

M: “What did I leave?”

J: “Your cell phone.”

There is a pause.

M: “If I left my cell phone at work how am I talking on it right now?”

J: “I don’t know how you bend the laws of physics, M! I just know your cell phone is sitting here on your desk. Ha ha ha!”

I almost fooled her. She’s just too clever for me.



On my way out of the building, I put my hand in my coat pocket in search of my badge. I discover several wads of paper and a coffee cup lid stuffed inside. Damn you, M! TIME OUT!!

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PAVLOVS GAY DOG WITHOUT A JACKET

Thursday, March 4, 2010

M: "Give me back my jacket!"

She crumples up paper, I turn around in my chair. M. laughs but doesn't throw the paper at me like she normally does. Instead, she sits in her chair crinkling the paper and giggling. She delights in the effect her crunching a piece of paper has on me. She thinks she is super cool and important.

J: "Yeah, you can call me Pavlov's Dog."

M: "Am I Pavlov?"

J: "...yes."

She turns around and looks up Pavlov's Dog on the internet.

J: "You've never heard of Pavlov's Dog?"

She's too busy reading articles to respond.



Later,

M: "GIVE ME BACK MY JACKET!!!"

J: "What are you talking about? I don't have your jacket."

M: "What did you do with it?"

J: "You are retarded! You didn't come into work with your jacket today which means you probably left it at home."

M: "YOU'RE GAY!"



Even later,

M: "What is this?"

She walks to my desk holding a giant empty water drum from the department filtered water supply. She points to a couple of spots on the outside of the drum that appear to be smudged with something brown or rusty or dead.

M: "How much will you give me if I lick this?"

J: "$1.00"

M: "$1.00?!"

J: "You licked poo for $5.00, I don't think this is poo."

M: "Look at it!"

J: "OK, $2.50, but that's my final offer."

M: "No."



Almost quitting time,

M: "Let's play fountains! Jake, you run around back and forth and you won't know when it's going to happen and then I'll spit water out of my mouth on you and get you wet."

J: "I don't want to play fountains."

M: "Why not?"

J: "I don't want you to spit in my face. No."

M: "Jakeypoo!" (Jumping up and down.) Let's play fountains!!"

J: "How old are you in your head? Like, how old do you think you really are in your mind?"

M: "What?! How old are YOU in YOUR head?"

J: "You're four years old. Isn't that the age when kids say YOU ARE! all the time?"

M: "Ha ha ha. YOU'RE GAY!"

CENSORED AND UNCENSORED

Friday, March 5, 2010

M: "Howcome some days it's so easy to peel my eggs and some days it isn't? I just want to know. Jake, why is it so difficult to have an honest conversation with you. 'Difficult?' - Impossible is more like it."



Later,

M: "So guess what I'm going to do today."

J: "What?"

M: "I'm not going to tell you."

J: "Why not?"

M: "Because you'll write it down."

J: "I won't put it in the blog if you don't want me to."

She tells me.

J: "Really? You don't want me to put that in! It's hilarious!"

M: "No."

J: "Ok... but it would have been funny."



Even later,

M: "I have egg in my teeth, OK. Boiled egg. Would you like to see?"

J: "Gross."

M: "Did you see what happened? Did you notice what just happened?? Hsssssssss!! So my upper lip was dry and when I went like this and tried to smile normal again, my lip got stuck. Didn't you see it?"

J: "No."



M. dances like a ballerina while sitting in her chair. She moves her feet really fast and hold her arms out while scooting herself close to my cubicle. She throws wads of paper at me, DOUBLED UP WADS OF PAPER, and tries to throw it in my cake. M.'s cube mate recorded 1 minute of the action. If you dare, listen to it here: http://media.libsyn.com/media/jakespage/SOM_1min_05MAR2010.mp3 (The sound quality is not the best, but it's an uncensored glimpse into real-life communication between M. and I.)

FOOT CANCER KARATE CHOP EFT

Monday, March 8, 2010

M: "Look at this!" (She points down to the back of her shoe.) I have CANCER on my ankle!"

She drags her foot across the floor as though it's lifeless.

M: "It's getting worse by the second which means it's 60 times worse by the minute!"

She sits in her chair and twirls in a slow, painful circle, dragging her foot on its side. I laugh hysterically.

J: "Be careful, M. We read what's going to happen in your horoscope..."

M: "What?"

J: "After noon, you're going to get Oyced, Faced, and Moted no matter what you say."



After noon,

M: "Jake... here." (She places something in the palm of my hand.)

J: "What is this?"

M: "Skin from my finger. HA HA HA!"

It's true. She placed a tiny peeling from the edge of her index finger onto my unsuspecting hand. I look at it for a few seconds, somewhat disgusted. It's a tough-looking inch of her skin. As I sit there gazing over her epidermis, hearing her laughter echo down our aisle, I knew I couldn't let her have the last laugh...

So I moved my hand slowly up to my mouth and placed the tough piece of skin between my teeth and chewed on it. I really did. Then I swallowed it.

M.'s Cube Mate: "Ewwwwwww! I'm going to be sick. JAKE, TURN AROUND AND DO SOMETHING!"




Later,

M: "I am going to karate chop your chair in half, Jake!"

J: "I'd like to see you try." (I roll my chair toward her cubicle and await her reaction.)

M: "OK." (She hesitates.) Well, I would karate chop your chair, but it's against the company policy so I can't do it."

J: "If you karate chop my chair in half I will take full responsibility."

M: "No you won't!"

J: "Yes, I will."

M: "Give it to me in writing, sign and date it."

J: "OK." (Picking up a post it note.) "What do you want it to say?"

M: "I, Jake Cordova, take full responsibility if M. karate chops my office chair in half. Sign it and date it."

I follow her instructions and hand the paper to her.

J: "There you go. Now let's see this happen!"

M: (Hesitating.) "OK, you want me to do this? OK... I need a running start."

She runs down the aisle and pumps out her fists and legs as though she's getting ready for boxing. Suddenly, she runs really fast down the aisle towards my chair and stops just before reaching it.

M: "That was just a practice run. Now I'll do it for reals."

J: "OK."

She walks back down the aisle, pumping her arms and revving herself up.

M: "Are you ready?"

J: "Yeah. Let's see it."

She runs really fast up to the chair again and stops. Laughing, she sits down in her seat and looks up at me.

M: "Jake, what if I really can't karate chop your chair in half?"

J: "Write it down."

M: "What?"

J: "I want it in writing. I, M., cannot karate chop Jake's chair in half. Sign it and date it."

She reluctantly does.

M: "What would you have done if I really did karate chop your chair?"

J: "I would have been like, WOW, M! You are superhuman! OMG!! I was wrong and you were right. You really COULD do it. WOW!! I am so impressed."

She beams.

M: "I'm going to look up how to karate chop a chair in half online and learn how to do it."

J: "OK."



In her search for a karate chopping lesson, M. stumbles upon a strange website devoted to overcoming anxiety attacks my poking yourself with your finger all over your face, chest, and fingertips known as 'EFT.' She tries the technique by chanting a mantra aloud and poking herself all over her face, chest and armpit.

M: "What a bunch of crap."

I give it a try.

J: "Wow! I feel energized!! Do you know why? Because I feel like someone has been poking me with their finger and it's got me all riled up! I'm not going to stand for that. I'm empowered! I want a raise!!"

M: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???"

MOUSE FOOT

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

M: "Oh my God, you guys! So I get home tomorrow and... Ha ha ha. Sorry, sorry. Scratch that. I meant I got home YESTERDAY. Ha ha. Anyway, I got home yesterday and I thought my dogs had chewed up the carpet because there were these furry bits all over the floor, but when I bent down to get a closer look, I realize that my dogs had caught a mouse or a rat and chewed it apart! And when I found my chihuahua, he smelled like he had been rolling in it so I had to give him a bath. Aaaargh!!"

M: "I didn't find the head or the tail, but I gathered up the remaining bits and flushed them down the toilet."

M: "My daughter was freaking out! She can't handle anything dirty."

M: "Have you seen me text with my feet? It's awesome!" (She places her phone on the floor and proceeds to dance on it with the tip of her sneaker. The phone flashes and runs various programs from the tapping of her shoe.)

HOT LADY COUPLE

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I was talking to a friend on Facebook the other day. We'll call her "S." Our conversation went like this...


S: "So tell me about this M. person. I started reading the blog and she sounds, well... interesting."

J: "What do you want to know?"

S: "Well, I mean is she just a character you made up or is she real? How tall is she, how much does she weigh, how does she dress, is she married, does she have kids, what is her ethnicity, etc."

J: "Ha ha. She is very real. Do you want to see a photo of her?"

S: "OK."

I send her the links to a couple of photos from a few months ago.

J: "She's making faces in both of the photos and she's hiding her braces, but there she is."

S: "Oh, wow! She's really pretty... And she dresses nice. WOW!! For some reason I was expecting a black woman with crazy frizzy hair and big, colorful clothes and bright colorful purses."

J: "Ha ha ha! M. always dresses well. She looks good no matter what. She's divorced, she has adult children, and she's half-French."

S: "That explains it! Many of the French women I saw when I lived near the embassy wore amazing outfits. I don't know how they afford it."




Truth be told, M. acts like a goof but she always looks like a million dollars. She doesn't take compliments very well so I try not to overdo it. But yeah, she's hot.

Her braces will be removed in 4 months. I asked M. to have her daughter take a photo of her with a really big bracey smile before the metal is gone. She hates being photographed, and she hates people looking at photos of her, so don't ask to see the ones I showed to S. That was a one time good friend peek.

M. will remain anonymous. (Until she changes her mind and wants the world to see her.)





Today she handed me a sheet of paper from the photocopy machine. It was folded in half and on the front, in purple marker, was: "Wedding Invitation." I opened it up to see a photocopy of her ticket to CITIZEN COPE on April 14th at The Depot in Salt Lake City.

J: "Oh yeah, do you have your wedding dressed all picked out and everything?"

M: "Yep!"

Above the ticket, also in hand-written purple marker, read: "You are cordially invited to the wedding of M. and Citizen Cope-M."

J: "I didn't know marriage was legal between two women in the state of Utah, but you and she will make a beautiful lady couple."

M: "What are you talking about? At least my man is alive! Your man (Carmen Miranda) is dead!"

J: "She's still jealous of Carmen."

DEAD MOUSE DIARRHEA

Friday, March 12, 2010

M: "Did you know if you're a dog and you eat a mouse that has been dead for awhile, you can get diarrhea?"

J: "Ha ha ha!"

M: "My entire house smells like diarrhea."

MY HOUSE COLLAPSED

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

M.'s Cube Mate: "This tissue tastes salty."

M: "What? Why are you eating tissue?"

Cube Mate: "I put the tip of my tongue on it and it tastes salty."

M: "Oh! I bet you were trying to clean your face with your saliva, weren't you? Are you one of those mom's who cleans dirt off their kids face with your saliva?"

Cube Mate: "I am. Ha ha ha."

M: "My mom used to do that to me all the time and I hated it. She's wipe my entire face with her saliva. Gross!"

J: "Why would they make a Kleenex salty?"

Our Team Leader: "They DO taste like salt! I just licked one and it's true!"

J: "Everyone is suddenly eating Kleenex. You guys are weird."

M: "Jakeypoo! My house collapsed."

J: "What?! What happened?"

M: "MY HOUSE COLLAPSED!"

J: "HOW!?"

M: "Jake, don't worry. My house collapsed but was able to put it back together with my own two hands so it's OK. There's nothing to worry about."

J: "OK..."

M. wads up many pieces of paper. She gathers them in a pile on her desk. Randomly, she scoops all of them up and launches them at my face. They scatter like fireworks and fall to the floor around me. One by one, I pick them up and chuck them at M.'s head. She gathers them in a pile on her desk again.

M: "I am like the USA. Look at all my weapons! You'll see what it's like to mess with The United States!"

She throws all of the paper at my face. They fall to the floor and make a big mess.

J: "Are you going to clean up your papers?"

M: "Probably, since I am representing the USA, because that's what the USA does. It launches weapons on a country and then sends troops in to clean it up. So yes, I probably will clean it up."

She comes over and picks all of the papers off the floor and puts them back in a pile on her desk. Before sitting down, she twirls around and does some fancy karate stances mixed with quick leaps into the air like a ballerina.

M: "You wanna mess with me, Jake? Let's go! I'm the United States!"

She jumps into the air and pauses when she touches the ground.

M: "Oh... wouldn't that be bad if I farted just then? Yeah, that would be bad."

She sits down.

J: "Did you just fart?"

M: "Jake, MY HOUSE COLLAPSED!"

J: "Why do you keep saying that? Your house didn't collapse."

M: "No, but it's a good way to change the conversation."

BLACK PLAGUE

Wednesday, March 17, 2010 M. has been out sick for the past few days. If you recall from previous blog posts, her dog chewed up a mouse and ate it, then had diarrhea. The following is a brief text conversation with M. from earlier today. M: "I think I got sick because I french kissed my dog." J: "Well, a girl's got to get it somehow. Now you have the Black Plague!" M: "I'm on my death bed. I just want to sleep." J: "Can you get up and see a doctor?" M: "Yes." J: "Well get up, Corey Haim! It's 2:10PM." M: "My house collapsed." J: "Bull$#!t. Go see a doctor and feel better so you can come back to work. I miss you." M: "Ok."

SINUS INFECTION FREEWAY

Monday, March 22, 2010

M. is back to work! She is getting over a severe sinus infection with coughs and sniffles scattered throughout her sentences.

M: "You step on it because it's greasy... and then... *cough! cough!* Ha ha ha. WOW! Listen to me! I sound just like my mom. *cough! cough!* All raspy. Ha ha ha!"

M.'s Cube Mate: "Jake, I hate you!"

J: "What did I do?"

M: "You exist. Isn't that enough?"

Cube Mate: "Yeah, Jake."

J: "I didn't do anything."

M: "We should beat you all over with a baseball bat."

J: "I'm not talking to you right now, M., I'm talking to your cube mate."

M: "You ARE talking to me because I am in the direct pathway when you talk to her. See? If this is a freeway and you are driving a car, I am right here in your direct path when you try to drive up to my cube mate. Are you trying to tell me you're driving by yourself when there are other cars on the road?"

J: "I'm not driving anywhere, I'm sitting here in my chair."

M.'s Cube Mate: "I don't hate you, Jake. I'm just upset and I take it out on you."

J: "I see... Are you OK with M. butting into our conversation?"

M: "I'M RIGHT HERE!! I'm INVOLVED with what's going on!" (Waving her arms wildly in the air.)

M.'s Cube Mate: "It's OK. I'm used to it."

J: "I know what you mean."

I'm glad M. is back! =)

FROGGY EYES TRUCK TACO TIME

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

This morning,M: "I have an Apple iPad on order."

J: "Didn't you just buy a new iPod?"

M: "Yes."

J: "You're a slave to Apple, aren't you?"

M: "I'm not a slave. It's just awesome."

J: "Can you make phone calls on the iPad?"

M: "No."



Later,

M: "I have froggy eyes."

J: "What's that?"

M: "Look up a picture of a frog on the internet and tell me if it looks like me."

J: "You don't have froggy eyes, your bottom lids are just a little puffy. It looks like you've been up all night coughing. You just need some Preparation H."

M: "What?"

M's Famous Friend: "It's true! Celebrities use it on their eyes!"

J: "It shrinks the tissue."

M: "In that case, then I'll just apply it over my entire body."

M's Famous Friend: "No, you don't need that. Does she need that?"

J: "No, she really doesn't."



Even later,

M: "Have you seen the lead singer of THE SOUNDS?" (She shows me a few photos online. In almost every photo, this attractive woman is seen spread eagle, with little clothing on, showing her cottage cheese legs to the world.)

J: "Is she a lesbian? She looks like one."

M: (Shocked!) "Why do you say that, Jake? Because of her hair? Don't put people in boxes!!"



Then,

M. took some time off of work to go get a shot of iron in her b&#t. Before she left, she insinuated that she would stop by an awesome sandwich shop called "The Philadelphian" to bring us back lunch. It's a little out of the way, but we told her it's OK because they have really good sandwiches.

I sent her a text...

J: "Poker this Saturday at our house! If you don't know how to play- Texas Hold 'Em is easy to learn. No cash, just chips, snacks and beer. 7PM. (No kids.) You in?"

M: "NO KIDS????"

J: "Only if they can play poker. No LITTLE kids!!! Your kids can come."

M: "NO LITTLE KIDS???"

J: "Yeah. Do you understand English?"

M: "ENGLISH???"

J: "Yeah. Remember- I want a 6" chicken sandwich with cheddar cheese and EVERYTHING on it w/a small order of fried mushrooms and lots of fry sauce!"

M: "MUSHROOMS??? How about if I get you a picture of cotton instead?"

J: "A picture of COTTON??? Grow up."

M: "Ungrateful! I could send you one of Dial hand Sanitizer ? Eh ?"

J: "Yeah, delicious food OR a picture of dial hand sanitizer ?? Someone here is retarded and it ain't me."

M: "Be nice to my cube mate!"

J: "Ha ha ha! How did you guess? :D"

M: "How about a picture of a truck?"

J: "How about a picture of you showcasing your braces?"

M: "ARE YOU A LESBIAN???"

J: "Trapped in a man's body, YES! How did you know? Oh, it's the hair, of course."



Almost quitting time,

J: "Where are the sandwiches???"

M: "I sent you a picture of a truck. Didn't you get it?"

J: "No."

M: "What? Check again. It's probably your phone. Oh, wait..." (Reading from her cell phone.) "Your message was not sent because Jake's phone sucks!"

J: "My HTC Touch Pro 2 does not suck. Send your photo again."

M: "It's not MY photo."

J: "Didn't you take it?"

M: "Well, I TOOK the photo but it's a photo of the TRUCK and the TACO BELL. I can't take credit for artistic visions."

J: "You make it really hard NOT to call you retarded."

M: "Jake, I have froggy eyes!"

POO OR CHOCOLATE

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 The following is a text conversation that occurred after M. left work for the day. Some background info- last night M. went home to discover her Chihuahua had eaten an entire chocolate bar. She took him to the vet and they made him puke it all out. M: "Sooooo how about a picture of a really cool couch?" J: "OK, send it." M: "Are you feeling the need to puke? Did you eat chocolate?" M: "It's OK, Jake. It's only bad for dogs and fish." M: "For fish because it clouds their water." J: "Ha ha! You are not right in the head." M: "And you are not sure WHAT is in the tank! Poo or chocolate. Then you taste it and realize IT'S BOTH!" J: "Or is it Ovalteen?" M: "Then YOU get sick and you're not sure if it was the fish water, the poo, or the chocolate and decide to cut all of those from your diet. Just to be safe." M: "It's sad when you can't eat poo." M: "WELCOME TO MY WORLD, JAKE!!!!!" J: "Are you on drugs?" M: "Of course." J: "Well gimme some!" M: "Then you go to a poo supplement... It's NOT the same." M: "Poo????" M: "Don't be gross, Jake." J: "Where is the pic of the couch?" J: "Hello?? Where did you go??" 45 Minutes Later, M: "OH MY GOD! ALL I CAN SAY IS I LOOKED UP AND IT DIDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE !!!" J: "You got a face peel?" M: "No, a wax." J: "Ahhhh..." J: "So where is the pic of the couch?" M: "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IF YOU WANTED IT !!!" M: "You missed out. :\ Brown leather. Cream pillows." J: "Sounds like a chocolate bar." M: "Yup. I sat on it !!!"

THE EVENT

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Several weeks ago, I introduced M. to the world of "Snooki" from the MTV show, "Jersey Shore." I haven't seen an episode of "Jersey Shore," but I catch hilarious clips on an awesome bit of TV hilarity called "The Soup" on E! (By the way, Joe McHale, who hosts "The Soup" is also the star of my current favorite TV shows called "COMMUNITY." It's probably just a coincidence, but several quotes and character actions from this blog show up on "COMMUNITY.." Is one of the show's writers a reader? Perhaps. Or, it could just be coincidence...)


Anyway, M. loved the idea of Snooki making out with her brother, "The Situation," in a hot tub so much that she proposed the following idea to her 20-something-year-old children:

M: "OK, guys! So you know how there is "The Situation" and Snooki? From now own, I'm going to call you "The Event" and Gigi! We will have cameras come into the house and film us!! We don't have a hot tub, but we can recreate the famous sister and brother make-out scene in our bathtub."

M: "Gigi, you can fart to make the water bubble like it's a hot tub. What do you guys think?"

Gigi: "I don't mind being on a reality show if I don't have to lose my dignity for it."

The Event: (Turns pale and shakes his head in disgust.)


M: "C'mon!! What is wrong with you!?"

What indeed.

GIGI a.k.a. MINI M.

Monday, March 29, 2010 The following conversation is between M.'s daughter, Gigi, and myself via Facebook: J: "You made the blog with a name this time! Ha ha ha." Gigi: "Jake!! You got it wrong! I said, 'I don't mind being in a reality show- even if it means losing my dignity!!' Gigi: "That's why that comment is so funny. Basically, IIIIII am so funny so anything I say... Well--- FUNNY!" J: "Oh my God... You sound JUST LIKE YOUR MOM!!!" Gigi: "YOU sound like your mom!!"

DEONIONIZE AND UNPORCUPINE

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

M: "If I were to say these words to you, what would you think they mean? De-onionize and un-porcupine."

J: "I can't say it at work."

M: "It means take a shower and shave, Jake. You are so disgusting!"

M. is venturing into the dating world again. She is dressed very nicely in a black business skirt for a first date after work. She also posted a bunch of, for lack of a better word, photographs of herself on Facebook where she has recently posted comments on status updates, made new friends and taken full advantage of everything available on the site.

J: "I still need a nice, smiling photo of you with your braces, M. When are they coming off?"

M: "If I see Dr. Payne regularly, he'll take them off in 4 months. Maybe longer. It all depends."

J: "I think I'll end the blog when your braces come off, or in July- which will be a full year of writing about you- whichever comes first. Do you think that would be a good ending?"

M: "Yeah. Jake, if I had a fly swat and I walked over to you and hit you in the face with it, then walked back to my desk and sat down, THEN got up and hit you in the face with it AGAIN, then sat back down, and then I showed you the fly swat, what would you think is going to happen?"

J: "A fly swat?? Do you mean a fly swatter?"

M: "That's what I said."

J: "...OK. ...What is the question?"

M: "HOW DO YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER FARTED ON YOU!!!"

WOLF UP

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 M. left worked shortly after I arrived, due to being extremely tired. Her date went very well last night and apparently she didn't get much sleep. The following is a text conversation between us from the late afternoon: M: "What are you doing, Jakeypoo?" J: "Working. Why aren't you asleep?" M: "Because I just wolf up." J: "This is you tomorrow: IDON'TWANNABEHERETODAY!! Waaaaa!! I'msotiiiiiired! WHY??????" J: You just wolf up?? J: It's about time! I've been waiting for you to WOLF UP for weeks!" M: "Hahaha! You know what I meant. Why aren't YOU asleep?" M: "Hahaha Jake!!! On the weekend I was surrounded by FBI agents, and it was nice. Then I had to in to in to work... :\" J: "You had to in to in to work??" M: "Ha ha ha! Hey, some of us can't take showers, pee, do their makeup and text perfectly at the same time, OK?" M: "I had to go into work." J: "When?" M: "On the weekend." J: "Why did you come into work on the weekend? We're closed." J: "Is that when you WOLFED UP?" M: "Hahaha no." J: "Where is my picture of you? Today is the last day of March! You promised I'd have it by today." M: "Do you want promises or pictures? Think about it, Jake!!!" J: "I want a bracey smile photo of you, all happy and bracey!" M: "I diem in to work on the weekend. I went to work on Monday after being surrounded by FBI agents on the weekend." J: "You diem into work on the weekend... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???" J: "WOLF UP, M!" M: "Hahaha! Font be jealous, Lake." J: "I speak English." M: "Hahaha lol and hahaha! ::Throwing wadded paper at you::" J: "MORE wadded up paper? You are so predictable." M: "Foot put me in a boxes!" M: "And stop pinching your face!" J: "My forehead hurts and burns. I need help!" J: "Did you say you put your foot in a box??" M: "I'm going to tape your fingers." J: "I'm going to tape your braces!"

TERRIBLE HYPNOTIZER

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Yesterday, M. attempted to hypnotize me. I came into work with tension in my neck and shoulders. Apparently, I had a rough night's sleep.

M: "OK, Jake. Keep your eyes on the pen."

She moved in her chair so she was sitting directly in front of me. She began dangling a red "white-out" pen on a piece of dental floss in front of me.

M: "Keep your eyes on the pen."

J: "OK."

She moved the pen back and forth at a normal speed, then started jerking it hastily from side to side. As I tried my hardest to follow its movement, M. busted up laughing.

J: "Can you really do this?"

M: "Jake, of course I can do it, but you have to be serious. Stop making me laugh."

J: "Don't jerk the pen!"

M: "OK, here we go. Jake, keep your eyes on the pen."

She moved it back and forth, and then she scooted to the side and made the pen disappear behind the cubicle wall.

M: "Jake! Keep your eyes on the pen!"

J: (Through fits of laughter.) "How am I supposed to keep my eyes on it when you're moving it out of sight? I don't think you can hypnotize me, and I am very susceptible to hypnosis. If you can't do it, let's stop. I'm feeling more tense then I was before."

M: "Stop making that little smile! You're making me laugh! Ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha!! Be serious!"

J: "This isn't going to work."

M: "Yes it will, but you have to be serious."

I took a bite from a green pear sitting on my desk.

M: "You can't eat a pear while being hypnotized! What is wrong with you?"

J: "I just took one bite. I'll set it back down, see? Now it's OK."

M: "No, because you won't be able to concentrate. You're going to sit there thinking about the pear. Finish eating it and we'll do it when the pear is gone."

I ate the rest of the pear.

J: "OK, let's go."

M. once again moves herself directly in front of me. Without reason, she busts up laughing and can't stop. She makes feeble attempts to wave the pen in front of me, though she can't muster enough strength in between chuckles to sustain her composure. She's crying from laughter and wheezing in quick, high-pitched giggles.

J: "You are a terrible hypnotizer."

M: "Oh, is that what you'd say to your kids, Jake? 'Daddy, look what I drew.' 'Oh, that's terrible! You suck!' It's a good thing you don't have kids."

J: "I wouldn't talk to my kids that way. Just you."

M: "I don't see what's the difference."

J: "YOU should know better. You have 40+ years of experience."

M: "Experience in what?"

J: "Life!"

M: "That doesn't mean anything."

J: "Clearly not. Now, are you going to hypnotize me for reals or are you just having a laugh?"

She giggled her little head off.

J: "OK, forget it. You're just having a laugh."

M: "No, I'm not! You have to be serious about it. Can you be serious?"

J: "Yes! Do it then."

M: "Now you're sucking on a Jolly Rancher? You can't have anything in your mouth, Jake. You're going to choke!"

I spat it into the trash.

M: "You can't just spit it out. Now you're going to be thinking of the candy in the trash can instead of concentrating on being hypnotized."

J: "Will you just do this already!"

M: "OK. (She moves the pen back and forth.) For reals, Jake. Pay attention! You are feeling relaxed. I am going to count backwards from nine-hundred and ninety nine... HAHAHAAHA! No wait, be serious! I am going to count backwards from 4 and then you'll be hypnotized."

More fits of laughter.

J: "I give up."

M: "WHY CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS??"

I SHOULD BE DEAD

Friday, April 9, 2010 I should be dead. I don't know how I'm still alive, but I am VERY THANKFUL to be here. YOU CANNOT KILL ME!! I CANNOT DIE!! That was my Facebook status update last night after I got home from work. I know what you're thinking- Did M. finally try to kill me? Did she perhaps fart or burp in my general direction? Perhaps she forgot to de-onionize and wafted the odor over my nostrils. Perhaps she did, but it didn't kill me. And it's not what I'm referring to. I'm diabetic. Yesterday, on my way home in rush hour traffic, my blood sugar plummeted and I lost track of reality. For 15 miles of heavy congestion, I was oblivious to my surroundings. I sped in between lanes of cars and road construction, I ran a red light, and somehow pulled a wild U-Turn. Finally, I slowed my car down and smashed into some wild giant bushes growing from the median of a busy street. I don't remember any of it. Luckily, I didn't hit anyone, and nobody hit me. The only damage are a few scuff marks on my drivers side door from where I ran into the bushes. After the paramedics revived me, the police asked me what I remembered. J: "The last thing I remember was being in Fort Union... I was on my way home, which means I was traveling south, but I have no idea how my car is facing north." Lady cop: "I man in a pick up truck followed you from Fort Union. He thought you were drunk. He was behind you as you drove all the way from Fort Union to Draper, where you turned around and continued back in the opposite direction. Eventually, you brushed against the bushes right there and stopped the car. Do you remember that?" J: "No. Did I hit anybody?" Lady cop: "Luckily, no. Another woman pulled up after we got here and said she witnessed you speeding through lanes of traffic, making your own lane. She saw you drive through a red light at 9400 South and 1300 east." J: "Oh my God!" (Looking down at my body.) "In rush hour traffic?? How am I alive?" Lady cop: "I dunno. It could have been a lot worse." I examined my car. Amazingly, it looked perfect. Another officer pointed out the scuff marks on my door. I couldn't see them until I leaned down and strained my eyes. Lady cop: "I'm giving you a ticket for INCAPABLE OPERATOR." J: "Oh no... Is that like a DUI?" Lady cop: "No. It basically means you were incapable of operating your vehicle due to being asleep or ill. I could write you up for speeding, reckless driving, and running a red light, but... We'll just leave it at that." J: "Yeah, OK... I can't believe I'm not injured." Lady cop: "You are very lucky." J: "I feel like I should be on that show, I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE! Hey, is the man int he pick-up truck still here?" Lady cop: "No, he left." J: "Oh... I wish I could have thanked him. Most people would have flipped me the bird and drove off. It was really nice of him to follow me to make sure I didn't hit anyone. He probably saved me from being rear-ended when I finally stopped the car." Lady cop: "Don't worry, we thanked him for you." M: "They gave you a ticket?? But it wasn't your fault!" J: "I know, but I put a lot of people in danger. Can you believe I'm still alive? I should be dead!" M: "Yes, Jake. I-am-so-amazed-you-are-still-alive. I think that every day." J: "Don't be jealous. You can't kill me, M. Go ahead and try! Let's see what happens." Other team members: "No Jake! Stop talking like that!" J: "I'm really glad I didn't hurt anyone. I'm really glad I'm still here." My cube mate: "You were being watched by angels." J: "I don't know about angels, but thanks to a few good people and some great police work, I am here. I've always thought of life as kind of a 'BONUS,' you know? But now it feels EVEN MORE like a BONUS! It's time to party!" M: "Well, I'm going to get my face peeled. Have a good weekend, everybody!"

IMPERFECTIONS

Sunday, April 11, 2010 Random txt conversation: M: "Other than the fact that you have black heads, oily skin, dry patches, sun damage, pimples and moles, YOUR SKIN IS GREAT!!!!!" M: "No one is perfect, OK Jake!! My skin is perfect if you take away the imperfections. Don't be jealous!!!!!" M: "And... let me add... This was told to me by a professional." M: "Yeah! Not just some stranger on the street or some crazy person." M: "Because really... If you take away someone's illness, they are healthy!" M: "I've been enlightened. I feel like I should start practicing medicine." M: "It takes some people YEARS of studying to figure out what I just did in 5 minutes." M: "So if you put one and one together, I am a genius with perfect skin. YOU should be feeling lucky to know me!" M: "Don't be jealous!" Twenty minutes later... J: "OK. I'm not." M: "You're not what?" J: "I'm not jealous." M: "You SHOULD BE!!! What is wrong with you????" J: "Some people have priorities, OK M? We don't waste time on frivolity." M: "Hahaha! I'll bring some anti jealous tea on Monday." J: "Now if you made a decision to do THE RIGHT THING and get an ass peel... I would be very happy for your chair." M: "Besides, frivolity is not a waste of time, it's a temperature." J: "iTard! Have a good weekend." M: "You too!"

WHAT DAUGHTER???

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Several weeks ago, M. handed me an invitation to her wedding. The "event" was scheduled to take place last night at the Citizen Cope concert in downtown Salt Lake City. Did it happen? Let's backtrack a little bit...

A day before the concert, I logged onto Facebook and was SHOCKED to see the following status update from M.'s daughter, Gigi: "Question: When will Gigi fall in love and get married? Answer: Tomorrow night when the lead singer of Citizen Cope leaps off the stage into her muscular arms and proposes to her."



[TXT MESSAGE:]


J: "M., have you seen Gigi's Facebook status update???"

M: "I AM TYING HER UP IN THE BASEMENT!! NO PHOTOS!!"

[END TXT MESSAGE.]



The next day at work,

J: "What's up with your daughter?"

M: "WHAT DAUGHTER?!?"

J: "OK, never mind... Do you have your dress all ready?"

M: "You know I do."

J: "Well, good luck!"


Later that night,

As I sat relaxing in front of the TV, my phone went crazy with txt messages:

M: "Oh my God!! He walked right past me!!!!"

M: "He walked right next to me!!!!! The potent smell of skunk caught my attention and I had to turn and there he was!!"

M: "He loves me!!!!!"

M: "I can tell by the fact that he hasn't changed his clothes or shoes from the first time we met."

M: "Yeah, it's true love!"

J: "Take pics!"

She sends me a pic. It's a blurry mess because she's far away from the stage in the back row.

J: "Awesome! You need to be closer to the stage to propose when he plays Sideways!!"

M: "I KNOW! I'M TRYING!"

J: "OK. :) Let me know what happens. I am falling asleep, but I want all the details tomorrow. Good luck!! I know you look beautiful."

M: "Goodnight, Jakeypoo!"



Today, via txt message,


J: "What happened?"

M: "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!!!!"

J: "What?? Well then he is CLEARLY GAY!!!"

J: "What happened?"

M: "I did EVERYTHING! I wore my wedding dress (which was very uncomfortable by the way. Picture Lady D.'s wedding dress with the extra long train in a very crowded concert).

M: "I had my bouquet of cella lillies and my vail. I tried getting up as close as possible to him but people kept stepping on my dress."

M: "I could hear people comment things like, 'What the f%$k?' 'Who is that crazy lady?'"

J: "Ha ha ha! Crazy bi*^&*s!"

M: "Yeah, that said that too... I could hear people laughing but I didn't care. They were all going to shut up as soon as City saw me and knew I was there."

M: "I knew the moment he saw me I would stand out and be 'The One.'"

J: "Of course."

M: "I got closer and closer. By now my dress wasn't so white and it was a little torn. I only had half my bouquet, my tiara was who knows where! And somehow there was a sign on my back that read -KICK ME- !

M: "My eyeshadow and mascara ran down my lips and my lipstick ran down my chin. My hair was drenched in sweat and what used to be a magnificent 'up-do' became what looked like a wet mop (and smelled like one too)!"

M: "I wasn't about to let those minor setbacks discourage me. I've read the self-help books, I've gone to the motivational seminars, I've been to counseling! I believe I can fly! I've had two Red Bulls and Vodka, I can't give up on true love. I can't give up on fate!"

M: "I got all the way to the front and just as I imagined it... he saw me and began to play 'Sideways.' I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! This man can play the guitar frontway, downway... and high. Clearly he was displaying his tricks for me as a male peacock in heat displays his colors."

J: "What about you daughter? Did she go with you?"

M: "WHAT DAUGHTER???"

J: "Oh yeah, sorry... So what happened?"

M: "He turned my way and paused for a moment... I was certain this was going to be it. I was SO ready! I was ready to say YES! YES!! As soon as he opened his mouth to speak again. After a long pause for what I thought to be the moment when you just know you've found everything you have wanted, when you feel like your search is over and there it is right in front of you..."

J: "...yeah?"

M: "...everything! I understood and patiently waited for him to recover from this moment of enlightenment, this surge of happiness. I knew it couldn't be easy for him to stay conscious but I had to trust in his strength. I quietly smiled and looked into his half-open red eyes."

M: "After he recovered, he exclaimed, 'Man, there are some interesting people in the audience tonight.' and I shouted out as loud as I could, 'YES! YES! THE ANSWER IS YES!!!"

J: "Then??"

M: "I'm single... and hungover."

J: "Sorry to hear that, M... What are you doing today?"

M: "No plans."

J: "No dates?"

M: "Yuck no! My fate is to be a non-Christian lesbian nun who doesn't get turned on my women."

J: "From that description, it sounds like you and Sister Cope are PERFECT for each other!"

M: "Nah, I think I'll wait for someone more realistic like my dog."

J: "Didn't your dog give you poop STD's?"

M: "NO ONE IS PERFECT, JAKE!"



On a side note, this is Gigi's current Facebook status: "Citizen Cope didn't exactly leap into my arms, as I previously stated he would... I don't know what went wrong! I did my hair, I had make-up on, I was having a great hair day! I wore a huge puffy white wedding dress and held up a neon sign that read 'I'll kill myself if you don't marry me tonight!' Guys love that sort of thing, right? I dunno... I guess he just wasn't that into me. Sigh."

P.S. After this blog was posted, I saw THIS on my Facebook page: Hey there, Jake (Spoken sternly. Anger in my, otherwise angelic, voice) This is "Gigi" M's daughter that clearly DOES exist... ugh... I don't really like that terrible nickname by the by (I just heard that phrase used on Friends for the first time yesterday... by the by- I like it). Anywhoot! Please let the record to sh...ow that IIIIIIII introduced my mother to Citizen Cope!!! She didn't even know who he was meanwhile I was already inappropriately in love with him!!! -There! I feel much better.