Tuesday, March 23, 2010This morning,M: "I have an Apple iPad on order."
J: "Didn't you just buy a new iPod?"
J: "You're a slave to Apple, aren't you?"
M: "I'm not a slave. It's just awesome."
J: "Can you make phone calls on the iPad?"
M: "I have froggy eyes."
J: "What's that?"
M: "Look up a picture of a frog on the internet and tell me if it looks like me."
J: "You don't have froggy eyes, your bottom lids are just a little puffy. It looks like you've been up all night coughing. You just need some Preparation H."
M's Famous Friend: "It's true! Celebrities use it on their eyes!"
J: "It shrinks the tissue."
M: "In that case, then I'll just apply it over my entire body."
M's Famous Friend: "No, you don't need that. Does she need that?"
J: "No, she really doesn't."
M: "Have you seen the lead singer of THE SOUNDS?" (She shows me a few photos online. In almost every photo, this attractive woman is seen spread eagle, with little clothing on, showing her cottage cheese legs to the world.)
J: "Is she a lesbian? She looks like one."
M: (Shocked!) "Why do you say that, Jake? Because of her hair? Don't put people in boxes!!"
M. took some time off of work to go get a shot of iron in her b&#t. Before she left, she insinuated that she would stop by an awesome sandwich shop called "The Philadelphian" to bring us back lunch. It's a little out of the way, but we told her it's OK because they have really good sandwiches.
I sent her a text...
J: "Poker this Saturday at our house! If you don't know how to play- Texas Hold 'Em is easy to learn. No cash, just chips, snacks and beer. 7PM. (No kids.) You in?"
M: "NO KIDS????"
J: "Only if they can play poker. No LITTLE kids!!! Your kids can come."
M: "NO LITTLE KIDS???"
J: "Yeah. Do you understand English?"
J: "Yeah. Remember- I want a 6" chicken sandwich with cheddar cheese and EVERYTHING on it w/a small order of fried mushrooms and lots of fry sauce!"
M: "MUSHROOMS??? How about if I get you a picture of cotton instead?"
J: "A picture of COTTON??? Grow up."
M: "Ungrateful! I could send you one of Dial hand Sanitizer ? Eh ?"
J: "Yeah, delicious food OR a picture of dial hand sanitizer ?? Someone here is retarded and it ain't me."
M: "Be nice to my cube mate!"
J: "Ha ha ha! How did you guess? :D"
M: "How about a picture of a truck?"
J: "How about a picture of you showcasing your braces?"
M: "ARE YOU A LESBIAN???"
J: "Trapped in a man's body, YES! How did you know? Oh, it's the hair, of course."
Almost quitting time,
J: "Where are the sandwiches???"
M: "I sent you a picture of a truck. Didn't you get it?"
M: "What? Check again. It's probably your phone. Oh, wait..." (Reading from her cell phone.) "Your message was not sent because Jake's phone sucks!"
J: "My HTC Touch Pro 2 does not suck. Send your photo again."
M: "It's not MY photo."
J: "Didn't you take it?"
M: "Well, I TOOK the photo but it's a photo of the TRUCK and the TACO BELL. I can't take credit for artistic visions."
J: "You make it really hard NOT to call you retarded."
M: "Jake, I have froggy eyes!"