Tuesday, September 15, 2009

M. is back to her normal self again!

M: "You're just jealous because your coffee isn't as cool as mine." Using a ball point pen, she writes something on the brown paper cup holder and places it on her cubicle wall.

It reads: "This coffee is better than Jake's."

I stand up to read it, but everytime I try to read it out loud, M. cuts me off.

J: "This-

M: "Uhh!"

J: "coff-"

M: "No."

J: "is better than-"

M: "Uh huh."

J: "Ja-"

M: "Jake!"

Later, I hear a soft noise behind me. The smell of fresh banana wafts into my senses. I turn in my chair to find M. holding a trash can up to my face. There is a banana peel sitting at the bottom.

J: "Ahhh, smells good!"

M: "Gross, Jake."

She is amped up to 11. It's a night and day difference from yesterday and it's all I can do not to open the umbrella between us.

M: "Jake, you're wearing pants!"

J: "Yeah..."

M: "Why are you wearing pants?"

J: "Do you want me to take them off?"

M: "No."

I tell M. about the Kanye West incident on the MTV movie awards. She knows nothing of it so she searches Google for the scoop. Before long, M. discovers video footage of Madonna speaking about Michael Jackson.

M: "I love you, Madonna!" (She wraps her arms around the monitor and presses the side of her face to the monitor.) "Are you talking to me? Of course you are..."

She finds a spot in the video where the crowd erupts into cheers and enthusiastic applause.

M: "Jake! This is it. Instead of bugging you, I will play this after everything I say. Check it out!" (She mocks herself talking about her dog.)

M: "So, the other day my dog peed on the carpet..." (She presses play and the crowd stands up and cheers.) "Yes! Isn't it great?" Her face turns bright red and her braces take on a gleaming shine as she busts up laughing.

J: "Do you ever worry about being too full of yourself?"

M: "Jake, when you're born into luxury, like me, and people ask where you live, and you tell them, and they say, 'Where is that?' you flick them away. Scamper. Go. They smell kinda funny. They're just... right there. And you flick, flick."

After lunch, I head to the purified water basin to refill my 16oz bottle of water. As I reach the basin I hear loud footsteps rush towards me and soon M. leaps in between me and the water basin. She meticulously fills up her giant water bottle with cold and hot water, taking great care to smear the mouth of the bottle all over the spout.

M: "Oh Jake, were you trying to get water?"

J: "No problem. I can wait."

M: "Good." (She goes back and forth with hot water, then cold, then hot, taking way too much time filling her container to the brim.)

J: "You don't want to leave any bubbles." (I point to an area of air pressed against the top of the container.)

M: "No, I don't."

I go back to my desk and see M. tossing wads of rolled up paper at my keyboard.

M: "Jake, how much will you give me if I can type my name from here?"

I look at the computer screen and see M.'s first name typed out in lower case. She obviously did it by hand when I wasn't looking and now she's trying to make it seem as though she can type by chucking wads of paper randomly at a keyboard.

Not bad.

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