HALLMARK CATALOG

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

M: "I want a Hallmark. What's it called Jake? The donut?"

J: "Do you mean a Bismark?"

M: "Yes, I want a Bis-Mark-E Donut with cream filling."

M. complains about eating too much this week. She insists she eaten more than her limit of junk food, including several Hallmark (Bismark) Donuts. She's not eating lunch because she had peanut butter and jam toast for breakfast so she'll just wait and eat dinner.

J: "That doesn't sound healthy."

M: "Jake, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my water, OK?" (She's holding a water bottle.)

J: "Do you want some homemade spaghetti and meatballs? I brought extra. It's really good."

M. "No, because it will make me hungry and I'll eat more."

J: "So, you should eat."

M: "Jake, the shoes I want from this Victoria Secret catalog are back-ordered until December. How is that possible? They just sent me their catalog yesterday. How can the shoes featured on the front cover not be available?"

J: "Now who are you talking to?"

M: "My iTouch."

J: "Jake, find these shoes for me. Will you see if they have them on Amazon? I can't do it, I'm too upset. You should write a letter to Victoria Secret for me and tell them I'm going to sue the pants off of them!"

She tells me how the models for Victoria Secret mislead all of the merchandise because none of the clothes look as good when she buys them as they do on the models in the catalog. She hands me the catalog to look through and I focus on the center spread with 4 half naked beautiful women.

J: "Can I order all 4 of these?"

M: "Jake! Why are you so disgusting? Oh, nevermind."

To make up for being a man, I sit down a type out a letter to Victoria Secret on behalf of M. I make sure to bring up all of her grievances.

Here is the letter in its entirety:

S.M. Lightning Bolt PO Box 571423 Magnay UT 84157-1423 Victoria Secret North American Office P.O. Box 16589 Columbus, Ohio 43216-6589 30 September 2009 Dear Victoria Secret: I am writing in regards to the recent catalog I discovered in my mailbox. It is fab-trance-tastic! Thank you for sending it to me. I love every page. Problem- the shoes on the front cover are backordered through the end of the year. Are you cereal? I want to wear them when I make my famous Cantaloupe Soup in three and ½ weeks. Can you do me a special and ship a pair of 6’s out early because you’re super-awesome, pretty please with powdered sugar on top, and stuff? Thanks!!! If you can’t, I’m suing the pants off of you. That’s right, your pants on the floor. That’s all you’ll have. You heard me! Your models do not correctly represent your product. They look too good. Not everyone was born with a silver spoon in their mouth, OK? Some of us live in Magnay. Eagerly anticipating your cute reply, S.M. Lightning Bolt P.S. You know a mullet when you see it, right? What fashion accessories do you have for a mullet? I needs them real bad!!

I hand the letter to M. and ask her to read it out loud to see how it sounds. She doesn't make it past the first sentence before she's hysterical with laughter. Half way through, she stands up, tears running down her face, and tells me she has to pee. When she comes back, she finishes the letter, laughs even harder and uses her famous lightning bolt signature to sign it.

M: "Are you really sending that?"

J: "Yep."

M: "Ha ha! What if they send you a pair of shoes? I'm going to be so mad!"

J: "I'll give them to you. Why would I want shoes from Victoria Secret?"