WHAT DAUGHTER???

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Several weeks ago, M. handed me an invitation to her wedding. The "event" was scheduled to take place last night at the Citizen Cope concert in downtown Salt Lake City. Did it happen? Let's backtrack a little bit...

A day before the concert, I logged onto Facebook and was SHOCKED to see the following status update from M.'s daughter, Gigi: "Question: When will Gigi fall in love and get married? Answer: Tomorrow night when the lead singer of Citizen Cope leaps off the stage into her muscular arms and proposes to her."



[TXT MESSAGE:]


J: "M., have you seen Gigi's Facebook status update???"

M: "I AM TYING HER UP IN THE BASEMENT!! NO PHOTOS!!"

[END TXT MESSAGE.]



The next day at work,

J: "What's up with your daughter?"

M: "WHAT DAUGHTER?!?"

J: "OK, never mind... Do you have your dress all ready?"

M: "You know I do."

J: "Well, good luck!"


Later that night,

As I sat relaxing in front of the TV, my phone went crazy with txt messages:

M: "Oh my God!! He walked right past me!!!!"

M: "He walked right next to me!!!!! The potent smell of skunk caught my attention and I had to turn and there he was!!"

M: "He loves me!!!!!"

M: "I can tell by the fact that he hasn't changed his clothes or shoes from the first time we met."

M: "Yeah, it's true love!"

J: "Take pics!"

She sends me a pic. It's a blurry mess because she's far away from the stage in the back row.

J: "Awesome! You need to be closer to the stage to propose when he plays Sideways!!"

M: "I KNOW! I'M TRYING!"

J: "OK. :) Let me know what happens. I am falling asleep, but I want all the details tomorrow. Good luck!! I know you look beautiful."

M: "Goodnight, Jakeypoo!"



Today, via txt message,


J: "What happened?"

M: "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!!!!"

J: "What?? Well then he is CLEARLY GAY!!!"

J: "What happened?"

M: "I did EVERYTHING! I wore my wedding dress (which was very uncomfortable by the way. Picture Lady D.'s wedding dress with the extra long train in a very crowded concert).

M: "I had my bouquet of cella lillies and my vail. I tried getting up as close as possible to him but people kept stepping on my dress."

M: "I could hear people comment things like, 'What the f%$k?' 'Who is that crazy lady?'"

J: "Ha ha ha! Crazy bi*^&*s!"

M: "Yeah, that said that too... I could hear people laughing but I didn't care. They were all going to shut up as soon as City saw me and knew I was there."

M: "I knew the moment he saw me I would stand out and be 'The One.'"

J: "Of course."

M: "I got closer and closer. By now my dress wasn't so white and it was a little torn. I only had half my bouquet, my tiara was who knows where! And somehow there was a sign on my back that read -KICK ME- !

M: "My eyeshadow and mascara ran down my lips and my lipstick ran down my chin. My hair was drenched in sweat and what used to be a magnificent 'up-do' became what looked like a wet mop (and smelled like one too)!"

M: "I wasn't about to let those minor setbacks discourage me. I've read the self-help books, I've gone to the motivational seminars, I've been to counseling! I believe I can fly! I've had two Red Bulls and Vodka, I can't give up on true love. I can't give up on fate!"

M: "I got all the way to the front and just as I imagined it... he saw me and began to play 'Sideways.' I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! This man can play the guitar frontway, downway... and high. Clearly he was displaying his tricks for me as a male peacock in heat displays his colors."

J: "What about you daughter? Did she go with you?"

M: "WHAT DAUGHTER???"

J: "Oh yeah, sorry... So what happened?"

M: "He turned my way and paused for a moment... I was certain this was going to be it. I was SO ready! I was ready to say YES! YES!! As soon as he opened his mouth to speak again. After a long pause for what I thought to be the moment when you just know you've found everything you have wanted, when you feel like your search is over and there it is right in front of you..."

J: "...yeah?"

M: "...everything! I understood and patiently waited for him to recover from this moment of enlightenment, this surge of happiness. I knew it couldn't be easy for him to stay conscious but I had to trust in his strength. I quietly smiled and looked into his half-open red eyes."

M: "After he recovered, he exclaimed, 'Man, there are some interesting people in the audience tonight.' and I shouted out as loud as I could, 'YES! YES! THE ANSWER IS YES!!!"

J: "Then??"

M: "I'm single... and hungover."

J: "Sorry to hear that, M... What are you doing today?"

M: "No plans."

J: "No dates?"

M: "Yuck no! My fate is to be a non-Christian lesbian nun who doesn't get turned on my women."

J: "From that description, it sounds like you and Sister Cope are PERFECT for each other!"

M: "Nah, I think I'll wait for someone more realistic like my dog."

J: "Didn't your dog give you poop STD's?"

M: "NO ONE IS PERFECT, JAKE!"



On a side note, this is Gigi's current Facebook status: "Citizen Cope didn't exactly leap into my arms, as I previously stated he would... I don't know what went wrong! I did my hair, I had make-up on, I was having a great hair day! I wore a huge puffy white wedding dress and held up a neon sign that read 'I'll kill myself if you don't marry me tonight!' Guys love that sort of thing, right? I dunno... I guess he just wasn't that into me. Sigh."

P.S. After this blog was posted, I saw THIS on my Facebook page: Hey there, Jake (Spoken sternly. Anger in my, otherwise angelic, voice) This is "Gigi" M's daughter that clearly DOES exist... ugh... I don't really like that terrible nickname by the by (I just heard that phrase used on Friends for the first time yesterday... by the by- I like it). Anywhoot! Please let the record to sh...ow that IIIIIIII introduced my mother to Citizen Cope!!! She didn't even know who he was meanwhile I was already inappropriately in love with him!!! -There! I feel much better.