I SHOULD BE DEAD

Friday, April 9, 2010 I should be dead. I don't know how I'm still alive, but I am VERY THANKFUL to be here. YOU CANNOT KILL ME!! I CANNOT DIE!! That was my Facebook status update last night after I got home from work. I know what you're thinking- Did M. finally try to kill me? Did she perhaps fart or burp in my general direction? Perhaps she forgot to de-onionize and wafted the odor over my nostrils. Perhaps she did, but it didn't kill me. And it's not what I'm referring to. I'm diabetic. Yesterday, on my way home in rush hour traffic, my blood sugar plummeted and I lost track of reality. For 15 miles of heavy congestion, I was oblivious to my surroundings. I sped in between lanes of cars and road construction, I ran a red light, and somehow pulled a wild U-Turn. Finally, I slowed my car down and smashed into some wild giant bushes growing from the median of a busy street. I don't remember any of it. Luckily, I didn't hit anyone, and nobody hit me. The only damage are a few scuff marks on my drivers side door from where I ran into the bushes. After the paramedics revived me, the police asked me what I remembered. J: "The last thing I remember was being in Fort Union... I was on my way home, which means I was traveling south, but I have no idea how my car is facing north." Lady cop: "I man in a pick up truck followed you from Fort Union. He thought you were drunk. He was behind you as you drove all the way from Fort Union to Draper, where you turned around and continued back in the opposite direction. Eventually, you brushed against the bushes right there and stopped the car. Do you remember that?" J: "No. Did I hit anybody?" Lady cop: "Luckily, no. Another woman pulled up after we got here and said she witnessed you speeding through lanes of traffic, making your own lane. She saw you drive through a red light at 9400 South and 1300 east." J: "Oh my God!" (Looking down at my body.) "In rush hour traffic?? How am I alive?" Lady cop: "I dunno. It could have been a lot worse." I examined my car. Amazingly, it looked perfect. Another officer pointed out the scuff marks on my door. I couldn't see them until I leaned down and strained my eyes. Lady cop: "I'm giving you a ticket for INCAPABLE OPERATOR." J: "Oh no... Is that like a DUI?" Lady cop: "No. It basically means you were incapable of operating your vehicle due to being asleep or ill. I could write you up for speeding, reckless driving, and running a red light, but... We'll just leave it at that." J: "Yeah, OK... I can't believe I'm not injured." Lady cop: "You are very lucky." J: "I feel like I should be on that show, I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE! Hey, is the man int he pick-up truck still here?" Lady cop: "No, he left." J: "Oh... I wish I could have thanked him. Most people would have flipped me the bird and drove off. It was really nice of him to follow me to make sure I didn't hit anyone. He probably saved me from being rear-ended when I finally stopped the car." Lady cop: "Don't worry, we thanked him for you." M: "They gave you a ticket?? But it wasn't your fault!" J: "I know, but I put a lot of people in danger. Can you believe I'm still alive? I should be dead!" M: "Yes, Jake. I-am-so-amazed-you-are-still-alive. I think that every day." J: "Don't be jealous. You can't kill me, M. Go ahead and try! Let's see what happens." Other team members: "No Jake! Stop talking like that!" J: "I'm really glad I didn't hurt anyone. I'm really glad I'm still here." My cube mate: "You were being watched by angels." J: "I don't know about angels, but thanks to a few good people and some great police work, I am here. I've always thought of life as kind of a 'BONUS,' you know? But now it feels EVEN MORE like a BONUS! It's time to party!" M: "Well, I'm going to get my face peeled. Have a good weekend, everybody!"