TERRIBLE HYPNOTIZER

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Yesterday, M. attempted to hypnotize me. I came into work with tension in my neck and shoulders. Apparently, I had a rough night's sleep.

M: "OK, Jake. Keep your eyes on the pen."

She moved in her chair so she was sitting directly in front of me. She began dangling a red "white-out" pen on a piece of dental floss in front of me.

M: "Keep your eyes on the pen."

J: "OK."

She moved the pen back and forth at a normal speed, then started jerking it hastily from side to side. As I tried my hardest to follow its movement, M. busted up laughing.

J: "Can you really do this?"

M: "Jake, of course I can do it, but you have to be serious. Stop making me laugh."

J: "Don't jerk the pen!"

M: "OK, here we go. Jake, keep your eyes on the pen."

She moved it back and forth, and then she scooted to the side and made the pen disappear behind the cubicle wall.

M: "Jake! Keep your eyes on the pen!"

J: (Through fits of laughter.) "How am I supposed to keep my eyes on it when you're moving it out of sight? I don't think you can hypnotize me, and I am very susceptible to hypnosis. If you can't do it, let's stop. I'm feeling more tense then I was before."

M: "Stop making that little smile! You're making me laugh! Ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha!! Be serious!"

J: "This isn't going to work."

M: "Yes it will, but you have to be serious."

I took a bite from a green pear sitting on my desk.

M: "You can't eat a pear while being hypnotized! What is wrong with you?"

J: "I just took one bite. I'll set it back down, see? Now it's OK."

M: "No, because you won't be able to concentrate. You're going to sit there thinking about the pear. Finish eating it and we'll do it when the pear is gone."

I ate the rest of the pear.

J: "OK, let's go."

M. once again moves herself directly in front of me. Without reason, she busts up laughing and can't stop. She makes feeble attempts to wave the pen in front of me, though she can't muster enough strength in between chuckles to sustain her composure. She's crying from laughter and wheezing in quick, high-pitched giggles.

J: "You are a terrible hypnotizer."

M: "Oh, is that what you'd say to your kids, Jake? 'Daddy, look what I drew.' 'Oh, that's terrible! You suck!' It's a good thing you don't have kids."

J: "I wouldn't talk to my kids that way. Just you."

M: "I don't see what's the difference."

J: "YOU should know better. You have 40+ years of experience."

M: "Experience in what?"

J: "Life!"

M: "That doesn't mean anything."

J: "Clearly not. Now, are you going to hypnotize me for reals or are you just having a laugh?"

She giggled her little head off.

J: "OK, forget it. You're just having a laugh."

M: "No, I'm not! You have to be serious about it. Can you be serious?"

J: "Yes! Do it then."

M: "Now you're sucking on a Jolly Rancher? You can't have anything in your mouth, Jake. You're going to choke!"

I spat it into the trash.

M: "You can't just spit it out. Now you're going to be thinking of the candy in the trash can instead of concentrating on being hypnotized."

J: "Will you just do this already!"

M: "OK. (She moves the pen back and forth.) For reals, Jake. Pay attention! You are feeling relaxed. I am going to count backwards from nine-hundred and ninety nine... HAHAHAAHA! No wait, be serious! I am going to count backwards from 4 and then you'll be hypnotized."

More fits of laughter.

J: "I give up."

M: "WHY CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS??"