DAVE'S INSANITY SAUCE

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The other day, I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when this happened:

M: "Oh my God! This is hot!"

I turned around to see M. waving her hand over her mouth. Her eyes were starting to water.

J: "What are you eating?"

M: "I put some hot sauce on my hard boiled egg. It's really hot.

Her mouth was open in the shape of a small 'O' and she looked like was hard for her to breathe.

J: "What was the name of the sauce?"

M: "Dave's Insanity Sauce. I found it in the file cabinet over there."

J: "WHAT?!?"

I jumped out of my chair and flew to her desk. Upon inspection, I saw a paper plate with a half eaten boiled egg and a big pile of red sauce. In the middle of the sauce, you could see where M. had slid the egg through. She probably ate a full tablespoon!

J: "OH MY GOD! Weren't you here when I brought that stuff into work? We put a tiny drop on a saltine and it killed our mouths!!"

M: "No, what are you talking about?"

She had no idea about the potency of this stuff. It seriously without exaggeration is THE HOTTEST SAUCE IN THE UNIVERSE!! But don't take my word for it, here are some user reviews from Amazon:


J. Miele: "Ok folks, this is not a joke. I am a real fan of hot sauce, hot peppers and anything that makes my eyes water, and I have to honestly say that Dave's Insanity Sauce is absolutely the hottest thing I've ever tasted. I use one drop in about 25 ounces of home-made tomato sauce and it makes the sauce noticeably hot. This is NOT a sauce to dash into your soup or to liven up some salsa. DON'T USE IT LIKE TABASCO!!! It is a heavy-duty hot sauce that should be used as in ingredient when cooking a decent amount of a dish. My brother doubted its powers so I poked the end of a toothpick into the sauce and gave it to him. The poor guy freaked and ate more Italian bread than I've ever seen anyone eat in my life. This bottle will last you a long time. Why doesn't it get 5 stars? It's just too hot."


A Customer: "Even Shakespeare did not have enough of a grasp of the English language to describe how hot this sauce it. It is mind blowing. I put a few good dashes on some BBQ I have eating. I was able to shovel in 3 healthy forkfuls into my mouth before the heat hit. Pow. I was knocked out. All I could do was grab on to the table to brace myself and breath through my mouth.

I ate all the bread I could find. I wiped out every square inch of my mouth with a napkin. All in an attempt to ease the heat. It helped only a bit.

After about 2 hours, I was almost back to normal.

It is that hot. I would think that only 1 drop would heat up a pot of chili. DO NOT try this straight from the bottle. It won't kill you, but is will wound you. Wow."

M. ate a tablespoon. She was in immense pain and anguish for hours. She downed water, milk, orange juice, thin mint Girl Scout cookies, and crackers. Nothing helped. The pain swelled up in waves over her taste buds and around the inner walls of her mouth. I could not imagine the experience. In my lifetime, I have only ever eaten a tiny drop at once. And she had a full tablespoon. Oh. My. God.
In an attempt to make her feel better, I showed her the following video on YouTube:





J: "I hate to tell you this, M., but... later tonight you will feel it again. Not only does it burn going in, but it also burns coming out. Yikes!"

KEEP IT TOGETHER

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I was playing poker at my home the other night with a group of friends. I mentioned how M. accidentally ate a bunch of hot sauce and 3 of my friends asked simultaneously: "Is she a real person?"

J: "Yes, M. is very real."

Them: "SHE IS?!?"

I can understand why people think she's made up. After all, she's crazy entertaining. But that's why I started writing about her, because I knew M. would provide all of her own material. All I have to do is write it down, which is what I've done for almost a year.

Which brings up the coming of the end. Yes it's true, the Story of M will cease to exist after July 2010. Because of this, I am taking the opportunity to ask what you would like me to cover in the following 11 weeks. If you have any questions for M., now is the time to ask! If you've had a lingering wonder in the back of your mind about her personality, let me know so I can do some exploring. Post a comment because they all get forwarded to me.

And with that out of the way, here is today's blog:

We can be loud. Sometimes M. and I get so loud that we cause problems for some of the people in our department. Fair enough. From time to time we get pulled aside and warned about said behavior. So, to honor the request of our peers, M. and I have vowed to keep the volume of our conversations to a minimum, and to keep the topics within reason (no Rated R stuff) for the next 30 days.

How do we do it? Like this:

J: (Whispering.) "Keep your s^%t together!"

M: (Mouthing) "What?"

J: (Pantomiming.) "Keep-" (clasping hands over my heart) "your-" (pointing at M.) "s^%t-" (pretending to take a dump) "together!" (clasping my fingers together.)

M: (Whispering.) "You need to reel it in, Jake. I'm going to get fired and it's all your fault!"

J: (Whispering.) "No we're not! Not if you keep it together."

M. turns aroung quickly and pretends to work. Throughout the day, I turn around to see her looking at me, only to overreact the minute we make eye contact as though I am radioactive waste. She covers the side of her face with her hand and focuses intently on her computer screen.

M: (Whispering.) "We need horse blinders."

J: (Whispering.) "We need to learn sign language."

M: (Whispering.) "You mean like this?" (Making various vulgar hand gestures.)

J: "That's what's getting us in trouble!"

M's Cube Mate: (Whispering) "Jake, keep it together!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKEY POO CAKE

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

M. brought in a cake. It's my birthday this Saturday and the team decided to throw me a surprise party at work! (Thanks, everybody!) It is a delight to be surrounded by such good friends.

The cake was prepared at two seperate grocery stores and frosted by M. She wrote "Happy Birthday, Jakey Poo!" in scribbly blue icing on the top.

M: "I almost got in a wreck on my way to work!"

J: "Are you OK?"

M: "Yes, but the cake fell to the floor of the car!"

J: "Oh no!"

M: "Yeah, but it's OK. It was sitting in the passenger seat so when I slammed on the brakes it fell to the floor and scooted forward. I thought everything was ruined, but when I examined it just one side was affected. Nothing else."

J: "Oh... did hairs from the floor of your car get on the cake?"

M: "There are no hairs on my floor, Jake! But if there are, they aren't mine. They are my dog's. Don't worry, you can't get STD's from hair."

J: "Where do you think crabs live?"

M: "In the ocean."



Thanks, M. !!!

GIANT LETTER M

Thursday, May 13, 2010

M. is wearing a black, long sleeved hoody with faux fur lining the edge of the hood. In gold print, across the front is a giant capital "M."

J: "Oh my God! You're wearing a shirt with a giant letter 'M' on it!!"
M: "I know. I got it because my last name is M------."

J: "I know what your name is. I also know that you go by "M." in THE BLOG. I need to take a photo of you in that shirt with a bracey smile TODAY! You have to let me do this. PLEASE!!"

M: "No!"

J: "Why not?"

M: "Jake, I need to clean my braces first. What is your problem?!"

J: "Just hold still for 5 seconds and smile. I won't make you look bad."

M: "No." (Turning around to hide her face and shirt from me completely.)

This goes back and forth for several minutes, until I have no other choice...

J: "OK M., you force me to do something very childish. That's right, I am stooping to your level to give you the silent treatment until you let me take a photo. You leave me no choice."

During the silence, M. tries desperately to get my attention by using her usual antics and tricks. I hold fast, and do not give in. I do, however, break the silence to inform M. that her Famous Friend, is at her desk reading this very blog. It's true! She is reading it online right now.



M.'s cube mate surprises me with an early birthday present. It is a book entitled, "You are a Horrible Person but I Like You."

Thank you, M.'s cube mate.

GOOFTARD QUAC

Tuesday, May 25, 2010 The following is a txt message conversation from this morning... J: "ARE YOU COMING IN LATE??? Our company stock is dropping by the minute!" M: "Why?" J: "Why? WHY?? Because you're not here, that's why!" M: "LOL! Then it's going UP, you mean." J: "Gooftard!" M: "WHAT?? That's not a word. Grow up!" J: "Oh, it's a word... When are you coming in?" M: "NEVER!" J: "How dare you!" M: "I learn from the best." ;/ J: "I'll just put you on the white board coming in between 11:00 and 12:00. With sandwiches! No- Cafe Rio! (Thanks. I'll have a pulled-pork quesadilla. No quac. Extra sour cream.)" M: "NO QUAC??? Grow up." J: "Guacamole! Get with the times, Granny. OMG ROFL POS LMAO BRB WTF?!? And QUAC!" M: "That would be guac." J: "Sit, bits! Don't be hatn!" M: "What is wrong with you?" J: "Don't be all 'Let me show you how WRONG you are and how RIGHT I am!' Gooftard." M: "Crafytard!" J: "Crafy? Srsly? Hell no omg. Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me! When are you coming in?" M: "Next week." J: "WHAT?? For real?" M: "I'm going to pet a fish. Waaaaaaa!" (She says this because I just came back from a week in Oregon, where I told her about a visit to the aquarium where I touched real starfish and sea animals. It was really cool!) M: "How dare you leave me for a week to go pet fish! Your nerve has no boundaries!" J: "Ha ha! Don't forget the life size Japanese Zen Garden." M: "I'm retired, OK!" J: "OK. What are you doing today that makes you not come in?" M: "I have a beta fish at home that I need to pet. Maybe I'll even pet the little plant in his bowl. OH! IT'S GRABBING MY FINGER. OH! SCARY!!" J: "Hahahaha. Stop your jealousy!" M: "It has poky little things. OH!" J: "Gooftardasaurus!" M: "LOL! OH! I'm touching the little rocks on the bottom of the fish tank!" J: "Are you done?" M: "Let's see... What else can I do? Maybe I'll walk to my weed garden. It's enormous!" J: "::yawn::" M: "I wish I could yawn but I'm having WAY too much fun!!!!" J: "What are you really doing?" M: "...OH! Look, a gold fish! It has fins!" J: "Goof. Tard. City." M: "I think I'll take a week off of work to go pet Chinchillas. Have you ever done that?" J: "I'm not sorry I was on vacation for my birthday, M. Grow up!" M: "How dare you! The nerve!" J: "I know. I suck, don't I?" M: "No. And by no I mean YES!" J: "Ha ha. Thanks."

RESPECT MY STOMACH ACHE!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Two days ago, M. came into work wearing green camouflage pants, a studded belt, with a fuscia top. Her shoes were tan, her purse was bright pink. Yesterday, she wore a black dress with black pants underneath.

M: "It's not easy being mentally retarded! Please respect that."

J: "Ha ha!"

M: "Respect my stomach ache!"

J: "How does one respect a stomach ache?"

M: "Ow... I can't chew."

J: "Because of your stomach ache?"

M: "Because of my braces. Jake, NO!!!"

J: "What have you learned from reading the past 10 months of your life?"

M: "You're crazy!"

J: "OK... what have you learned about yourself?"

M: "Absolutely nothing."

J: "Really? What do you hope to learn in the next 2 months, before this blog is ended?"

M: "I am more mentally retarded today than most days, Jake, so I can't think of a good answer. Let me get back to you."

BACKYARD CHICKENS

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

J: "Whatever happened to Shakira Shakira?"

M: "She was found in some farmer's backyard eating chickens in some country!"

The previous statement has been edited for content. The quote actually came out like this: "Hahahahahaha ahahahahahaha!! She was.... sh- sh- she- HAHAHAHAHAHA!! She was found in some farmer's- BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Some farmer's backyard eating- HAHAHAHAHA!! Eating... heheheeeeh eheee heeeee he ehe he hee... eating CHICKENS!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! In some country!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah ah aha hahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA AH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oooh, oh... oh..... I have the simple!! Hahahahahahaa..."

J: "Because she is a werewolf?"

M: "Jake, believe it or not, sometimes I just say things that don't mean anything."

J: (Heavy on the sarcasm.) "Really?!?? That doesn't sound like you AT ALL!!!"

I told M. I've been toying with the idea of creating a personal blog about my experience with kidney failure. Her response:

M: "I don't know how I feel about that..."

J: "Oh? Are you jealous?"

M: "No, I just don't know if as a writer that would make you think about it more if you are writing about it. As a reader, I think it would be entertaining."

J: "Well, it would be written with the same sense of humor I bring to everything in my life so I think it could be theraputic. I've actually told a couple of stories to my brother and to a friend and they both said I should write them down because they are hilarious! So, maybe I will... Don't be so jealous."

M: "OK, I'll try not to be."

GET OUT OF BED!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010 The following conversation happened via text message. J: "A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. “Oh, dear,” he said, “whatever shall I do? I can’t afford a new set.” “Don’t worry,” said his friend. “I’ll get a pair from my brother for you.” The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. “This is wonderful,” said the man. “Your brother must be a very good dentist.” “Oh, he’s not a dentist,” replied the friend, “he’s an undertaker.” M: "LOL! How dare you?" J: "Get out of bed! It's 1:30 in the afternoon!" Out of nowhere, M. decides to answer my questions from last week. What have you learned from reading about yourself on this blog? What do you hope to learn before the blog ends next month? M: "I've learned to take more responsibility for the things I say and do. I've learned to be more aware of who I am and how people perceive me. There is a world of difference between being my normal self around folks who I believe are not paying attention to me or who will forget any silly thing I do after five minutes, and thinking it might end up on a blog for those folks to re-live over and over." J: "WHO IS THIS?! AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH M?!?" M: "I've also learned how important it is to be who you are no matter who we find ourselves surrounded by or what circumstances we're in, and I think that of you as well. I've learned that life is what we choose to see and not what might be considered as real, and that we do what we can to be excited about it. Your need for creating, developing and writing is who you are and what you are meant to do. Your ability to take the most uninteresting, maybe even boring, scenario and put it into words for strangers and people you know to read and laugh so hard they cry is special and awesome and can't be suppressed no matter what. Being who you are is stronger than perception, surroundings, upbringing, time, politics or social standards." J: "Wow... thank you, M. That was very thought out and well put... Did you sluff work to put that together?" M: "Yes." J: "Hahaha! Nice. ;) NOW GET OUT OF BED!!" M: "What makes you think I'm in bed?" J: "Because you're not at work and it's 2:00 in the afternoon, so what else would you be doing besides looking at porn on the internet and sleeping in?" M: "You know me too well."

HI GUYS!

Friday, June 4, 2010

M: "What if my face was like this?"

She scrunches her mouth into a wrinkley hole and pushes it to the side of her jaw. Her upper lip hangs slightly over her teeth.

M: "Would you still be nice to me?"

J: "What do you mean 'What if?'"

M: "But wait! What if I had a nice personality too? Would you still like me? So it would be like this: 'HI, GUYS!! How are you doing today?? It's so good to see you!!!'"

She pretends she is talking to a customer on the phone.

M: "Oh, Sir! Yes, you just have to fill out the paperwork and send it into meeeeeeee!"

She leans back in her chair and lets out a fake uber-friendly laugh, her face twisted and chipper all the while.

I laugh so hard, tears streak down the sides of my cheeks. The scrunched up face is funny by itself, but hearing M. create such a carefree happy tone to her voice is alarmingly humorous, especially because it sounds semi-retarded due to the scrunched mouth.

J: (Gasping for air.) "D-Do... Ha ha ha! Do it again!!!"

M: "NO! What is wrong with you, Jake? Stop making fun of mentally-challenged people."

DIRTY MOUTH

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

M: "Why is it that everything we say turns into something dirty with you?"

J: "Like what?"

M: "Anything! A-ha! (Open-Mouth surprised expression.) "I'm going to do that for everything YOU say! Go ahead."

J: "What?"

M: "Say something."

J: (Thinking)... (Laughing)... "No, I can't."

M: (Open-Mouth surprised expression.)

J: "When are you getting your braces off?"

M: (Open-Mouth surprised expression.)

J: "Ha ha ha! No, really."

M: "I DON'T KNOW, JAKE!!"

J: "But that would be such a perfect ending for the blog. If you still have your braces on next month, how am I going to end it?"

M: (Open-Mouth surprised expression.)

BRIGHT RED PLASTIC HEAD GEAR or THE END

Friday, July 2, 2010

M: "What is wrong with my face???"

I pause. So many crude remarks flash through my brain. M. places her fingertips to her cheeks, to her forehead and then to her chin. Her expression is one of concern, and of expectation.

I decide to change the subject.

J: "Guess what I am doing today, M?"

M: "What?"

J: "Writing the last entry for your blog."

She pauses.

M: "Oh... that's kind of sad..."

J: "Yes, but it has to be done. You are wearing head gear so if I continue making fun of you, I will feel like I'm making fun of the handicapped."

She laughs.

It's true, for what I hoped to be an uplifting ending about M. getting her braces removed has turned into a tragic turn of events with a junior high school twist. M. has been advised by Dr. Pain to wear a bright red plastic head gear along with the braces and metal screws already covering her teeth. There's just something too easy about making smart remarks in a personal blog about a female in that situation. I mean, c'mon.

M: "Jake! I am bored."

J: "Huh? Sorry, M. I am writing the last blog."

M: "Right now???"

J: "Yes, would you like to write it with me? Let me read aloud what I've written so far-"

M. runs over to my desk and stands at my side. She places her hands on the right side of the keyboard. Her teeth and enormous hoop earrings shine brightly under the bright florescent lighting. She is dressed like it's 1985. She looks like the lead character in the movie "Flashdance." (She's a maniac, maaaaniac on the floor!)

M: "So I'll type with the letters on this side and you type with the letters on that side."

J: "You are retarded."

M: "Is this what you mean?" (Laughing) "OK, ready?? Type!"

J: "No!" (Also laughing.) "Go sit down."

She does.

M: "I took that picture for you, Jake. The one you wanted, but I never sent it."

J: "I'm done asking for that."

M: "I know, I'll probably never send it to you anyway..."

J: "Besides, I am going to use your Facebook photo for this entry."

M: "Which one?"

J: "The one that is just lips and tongue. You know, the one that looks like you are trying too hard."

M: "What do you know about trying to hard?  HOW DARE YOU?!"

And so it ends. After nearly a year of recording the daily antics of a hilarious, captivating individual, the blog is over. The days of M. arguing with everything I say will continue in real life... oh God will those days continue... but not online.

M. is entertaining. She is a bright star in an otherwise humdrum day. She is interesting, engaging, and extremely challenging. She can make you smile and she is a wonderful escape into a different world. It has been a pleasure to write about her, and it is an equal pleasure to know her.

Then again, she wears head gear. So.... yeah.

This is the end.

Thank you for reading.

“There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.”

- David Brent, BBC The Office UK