AUTOGRAPH

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I ask M. if she'll sign an autograph for me using her famous "lightning bolt" in place of the letter "S."

She refuses on the grounds that I might sell her signature on eBay for profit.

M: "Jake, how do I know that you won't post my signature on the internet and get millions of dollars for it?"

Me: "I won't."

Instead of signing her name, M. decides instead to draw a picture of herself. She narrates as she draws.

M: "I have big beautiful eyes with really long eyelashes, so let's do this... And I'm totally ripped so let's make my midsection tiny and muscular... And then I need liposuction here so let's give me a big one of these... There."

Me: "Is that your ass? What about your chest?"

M: "My chest? Let's do this... and this... and make my feet like this..."

Me: "What is that big red outline around your mouth? Is that a rash?"

M: "Jake, those are my lips."

Me: "What about your arms?"

M: "My arms are like this... and don't forget my naturally beautiful nails..."

Me: "You're making yourself look like Wolverine."

M: "And let's make my butt bigger... like this because I got back."

Me: "You look like the mutated spawn of a Mermaid and Mer-Man. And you have two left feet!"

M: "My feet? Oh, I wear Gucci sandals that are really cute so we have to draw those..."

Me: "What are you drawing now? Is that your Zebra Bag?"

M: "Jake, It's bright and shiny so it sparkles. So do my cute sandals... And the glasses are D&C... and this is Victoria Secret..."

Me: "You've made yourself into a monster. I'm going to have nightmares."

M: "Jake, just because you weren't born with my artistic ability. This is art. I am going to be the next Picasso, or Picassa really. Don't be jealous."

Me: "I'm not. Is this really how you see yourself?"

M: "Jake, this is art, OK? This is a one of a kind that is worth millions."

Me: "Well then you have to sign it. You know, that cool way with the lightning bolt instead of an 'S'?"

M: "OK, but don't let me see this on eBay. I know you're going to forge my signature and create fake documents or sell my autograph."

Me: "You can't even read your name! Why did you change your signature?"

M: "Because I went home and thought about my life and I've made changes, Jake. Just because you can't draw as good as me. Don't be hat'n!'"

M. looks nothing like the drawing she made, nor does her real signature resemble the scribblings on the paper. But the lightning bolt is kinda cool.

I think I'll hang this in my cubicle for awhile and see what kind of attention it brings.