KEEP IT TOGETHER

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I was playing poker at my home the other night with a group of friends. I mentioned how M. accidentally ate a bunch of hot sauce and 3 of my friends asked simultaneously: "Is she a real person?"

J: "Yes, M. is very real."

Them: "SHE IS?!?"

I can understand why people think she's made up. After all, she's crazy entertaining. But that's why I started writing about her, because I knew M. would provide all of her own material. All I have to do is write it down, which is what I've done for almost a year.

Which brings up the coming of the end. Yes it's true, the Story of M will cease to exist after July 2010. Because of this, I am taking the opportunity to ask what you would like me to cover in the following 11 weeks. If you have any questions for M., now is the time to ask! If you've had a lingering wonder in the back of your mind about her personality, let me know so I can do some exploring. Post a comment because they all get forwarded to me.

And with that out of the way, here is today's blog:

We can be loud. Sometimes M. and I get so loud that we cause problems for some of the people in our department. Fair enough. From time to time we get pulled aside and warned about said behavior. So, to honor the request of our peers, M. and I have vowed to keep the volume of our conversations to a minimum, and to keep the topics within reason (no Rated R stuff) for the next 30 days.

How do we do it? Like this:

J: (Whispering.) "Keep your s^%t together!"

M: (Mouthing) "What?"

J: (Pantomiming.) "Keep-" (clasping hands over my heart) "your-" (pointing at M.) "s^%t-" (pretending to take a dump) "together!" (clasping my fingers together.)

M: (Whispering.) "You need to reel it in, Jake. I'm going to get fired and it's all your fault!"

J: (Whispering.) "No we're not! Not if you keep it together."

M. turns aroung quickly and pretends to work. Throughout the day, I turn around to see her looking at me, only to overreact the minute we make eye contact as though I am radioactive waste. She covers the side of her face with her hand and focuses intently on her computer screen.

M: (Whispering.) "We need horse blinders."

J: (Whispering.) "We need to learn sign language."

M: (Whispering.) "You mean like this?" (Making various vulgar hand gestures.)

J: "That's what's getting us in trouble!"

M's Cube Mate: (Whispering) "Jake, keep it together!"