COPE

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

M. is dressed all in black from head to toe. She looks good. The top of her hair sticks up like a cockatiel and her braces gleam against her tan complexion.

J: "Have you given more thought to your nun fashionry?"

M: "I'm practically falling into it... the habit. That's why I'm dressed like this today. I also changed the screen saver on my phone. See?"

J: "The Virgin Mary? You used to have a picture of Buddha on your phone."

M: "I can't marry God and have a screen saver of Buddha. Conflict of interest, is what that's called. I don't think God would like it."

J: "What about Citizen Cope?"

M: "He's too complicated, Jake. He doesn't even know I exist."

J: "Why don't you talk to him, introduce yourself."

M: "OK, pretend you're Cope."

J: "Sure. Like this?"

(I let my mouth hang open and droop my eyes, doing my best to look stoned.)

M: "Cope, you don't know me but you've been writing songs about me for years. I think we should talk."

J: "I have? Cool! Let's go."

M: "...and when you come in concert next March I want you to announce to the crowd that you love me, M. Lightning Bolt! I'll be standing in the front row in my wedding dress ready to marry you."

J: "What? No, no, no! Don't do that. You'll scare him away."

M: "See? That's why I'm marrying God. He's less complicated."

J: "How are your braces?"

M: "My braces are doing good but because my tooth is moving, my gums are wrinkled. Don'twritethat!"

J: "What do you do for wrinkled gums"?

M: "There's a cream."

J: "Really?"

M: "No, Jake! Don't write that either. There isn't a cream. I'm beginning to think that when I say don'twritethat it means it's going in the blog."

J: What is Citizen Cope going to say when he kisses you and feels your wrinkled gums?"

M: (All sorts of excited.) "He's going to kiss me?!?"

J: "Doesn't that go without saying? I mean, if you end up marrying him instead of God or Heath Ledger."

M: (Sticking her finger in her mouth and rubbing her gums.) "I don't think he'll feel the wrinkles, but if he does I'll tell him there's always a first time."

J: "Then what?"

M: "Then he tells me I taste like elephant. And I say, 'How do you know about that, Cope? Don't let these gums fool you. You've been singing about me for five years!' (Especially the song, Sideways.) That's the one he sings by himself, but you should hear him play it with Santana. It sounds amazing."

M: "This has been the longest day for some reason. I think it was the sandwiches. Bye!"