I'LL EAT POO ANYDAY

Monday, August 31, 2009

I am at my desk, working, when I hear really loud hammering. I turn around and watch M. slam her rock-hard fingernails down on her keyboard over and over again. She is typing a reply to an email.

Is she angry? Upset? Frustrated? I don't say a word.

M. sits on her chair in normal "M." fashion, which means her feet are bare and she has at least one foot folded under her bottom. Suddenly, her foot clenches. Then it relaxes and clenches again, as the hammering on the keyboard continues.

Eventually, she stops banging the keys and hits the send button.

"Are you OK?" I ask, genuinely concerned.

"Yeah." she replies, casually. Apparently, she just types really loud.

I explain, "Well, I'd hate to be the recipient of that email you just sent." I pantomime like I'm typing and get a really pissed-off look on my face. I say very loudly, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL!"

M. laughs, which makes me laugh, and I inadvertently cough up a little bit of phlegm on my hand. (I know it's gross but I was laughing really hard.) I show it to M. and ask how much it will cost for her to lick it up.

She is severely disgusted at the idea.

"But," I remind her, "last week you licked a crusty ol' poo envelope- poo from a duck or a buffalo from Ohiopyle State Park for $5. NOW you're telling me you won't even consider doing the same to this fresh little bit of human phlegm?."

Her response: "I think I'll eat poo anyday, but stuff like that- no."

Let me repeat that: "I think I'll eat poo anyday, but stuff like that- no."

I am so impressed with this quote that I write it down on a piece of paper and ask M. to sign it. I notate the time and date below her signature and hang it on the wall next to her self portrait.

I really and truly don't know what to make of this woman. She is a riot!