WORK TEXT

Wednesday, October 7, 2009 The following text conversation happened moments ago. The name of the company and our CEO has been changed for the sake of anonymity. J: " :( " M: "Why are you sad, Jakeypoo?" J: "Because you're not here. It's soooooo quiet." M: "KARMA !!! For leaving me every Friday!" M: "EVERY FRIDAY !!!!" M: "Wait... is it good or bad that it's so quiet?" J: "It's kind of nice but kind of boring. I just miss you, M. Are you coming in tomorrow?" M: "Si." J: "Yay!" M: "Yeah, H.H. asked me to please go in tomorrow because USA Corporation has noticed some decline in stock value since I've been gone." M: "I said, 'OK if I have to.'" M: "...but just because you asked nicely." M: "...and you said please." M: "...and you are crying." M: "...and you're on your knees." M: "Then I said, 'get up H.H. What are people going to think when they see the V.P. of USA Corporation in this state? KEEP IT TOGETHER, MAN!'" M: "Then I slapped him!" M: "...and he started crying again! He said I reminded him of his mother just then!" M: "I said- 'But H.H., I'm not a Head Honcho-' (you have to be politically correct around H.H.)" M: "He replied, 'no you're not.'" M: "We both hugged and cried. I pinched his right butt cheek." M: "He said, 'Why did you do that?' I said, 'I don't know.'" M: "He said I reminded him of his father just then." M: "Then he asked me NEVER to speak of this to ANYONE! I assured him no one would EVER know." M: "...then he said he loved me." M: "I asked him if he bowls and if he knew how to make cantaloupe soup. He said he bowls with cantaloupes!" M: "I said, 'How eccentric of you!' He said, 'I didn't know you knew such big words.'" M: "I said, 'Don't let the mullet fool you.'" M: "He said, 'I like mullets! I almost have one.' I said, 'I've noticed!' and added 'Is that kind of ironic? A Head Honcho with a mullet?' He said, 'What does ironic mean?'" M: "To answer your question, Jakeypoo... I am coming to work tomorrow." J: " :-O "

M. FOUND OUT

Thursday, October 8, 2009

M. signed up for Facebook over the weekend. I had no choice but to tell her about the blog before she stumbled across it herself...

She is reading it now.

Leave lots of comments here so M. feels your love!

M. REACTS TO THE BLOG

Saturday, October 10, 2009

M. came to work late on Thursday. Her desk was semi-decorated with a colorful "Happy Birthday" banner, a gift bag from Starbucks, a card, and a Bismark donut on a paper plate with a sucker stuck into it.

After everyone had a chance to smother M. with fond wishes, she turned to me with a shocking announcement.

M: "Jake! I signed up for a Facebook account!"

J: "You did?"

M: "Yes! I signed up for one so I could see my friend's photos."

J: "Oh... So, will you continue using Facebook or was it just a one time thing?"

M: "Will I use it? Will I use it? Pffft! Now I have time to use it."

While M. Was on a phone call, I spoke to her cube mate. Her cube mate is the only person on the team who knows about this blog.

J: "I wasn't expecting this."

Cube Mate: "I know."

J: "If she looks at my Facebook page, she'll see all of the blog posts."

Cube Mate: "I was thinking the same thing."

J: "I should tell her about it before she finds out on her own, huh?"

Cube Mate: (Nodding her head.) Yes, definitely."

J: "That means I have to tell her, like... today."

Cube Mate: "Yeah."

J: "Oh man."

I wasn't prepared. I didn't expect to tell M. about the blog for another 2 months, but now I didn't have a choice. My Facebook page is unprotected so anyone can view it. I keep it this way to network with my former podcast listeners, and to advertise The Story of M. I had no other option than to tell her. Right now...

J: "I need to tell you something, M."

M: "You do?"

J: "Yes."

M: "Jake! Why are you so serious?"

J: "It's nothing bad. I just have to talk with you about something. Can we go for a walk?"

M: "Oh my God, you want me to go on a walk with you? Are you going to kill me?"

J: "Ha ha. No."

M: "OK... let me just sign in so there is evidence I was here." (She signs in using the time sheet.) "If I'm not back in 5 minutes, come looking for me. Jake is asking me to walk with him."

J: "You'll be back."

On our way out, M. informs everybody we pass, whether we know them or not, that she is going out in the hallway for a walk with me. I laugh and tell her to stop it. We walk out of the department into the quiet hallway. We turn the corner and stop alongside the wall. M. freezes in a kung-fu pose, changes her stance into another pose, freezes, and repeats it again one more time.

J: "You aren't making this easy for me. Will you just be normal for a minute so I can talk to you?"

M: "What did I do?"

J: "You didn't do anything, it's something I did."

M: "Oh, it's something you did. Oh God, what did you do, Jake?"

I stood there looking at M. for several seconds. All of the various approaches for this conversation rushed through my head, but I knew I wouldn't use any of them. Instead, I decided to be as honest and upfront as I could be.

J: "You read the birthday card I gave you, right? So you know I think very highly of you."

M. "Yes, I read it."

J: "You know I would never say anything to degrade you or to put you down. Right?"

M: "Mmm... yeah..."

J: "You have a very entertaining personality, M. How would you feel if your amazing personality had a strong but small cult following?"

Her expression didn't change. She just stared at me.

J: "You know The Ernie Blog I wrote?"

M: "Yes, but I didn't read it."

J: "OK, well... Let's go back to July. I sent you a text message one day, that I'm sure you don't remember."

M: "Jake, I don't remember what happened yesterday."

J: "Ha ha, fair enough. Well, in July I sent you a text message that said I would love to write a book about your life. Do you remember?"

M: "You did? No, I don't remember that."

J: "At the time, you brushed it off like you didn't think I was serious. But... M... I've been writing about you since July. I've written a blog for almost everyday we've worked together. When you told me you set-up a Facebook account, I was worried you might see my page on Facebook and discover the blog. I wanted to tell you about it before that happened. You are very entertaining, and so many readers love reading about you. People email me if I don't publish a blog on time, and everyone who knows me in person tells me how hilarious the blog is. They love it! They love you. If you want me to stop, I will, but I really want to continue writing about you because you are so fun to write about. I can't keep up with you sometimes. So... what do you think of that?"

M: "Ok, well... it's fine. But I can't access Facebook at work."

J: "That's OK, the blog isn't on Facebook. Let's go back to your desk and I'll show you the URL so you can read it. I'll give you some time to go through it, then you can sleep on it and see how you feel about it tomorrow. Just remember, it's completely anonymous so nobody knows who you really are, except for a few people. Your cube mate knows because she saw it on Facebook, but I swore her to secrecy. And you have a lot of really cool fans who love reading about you. You are a star, M!"

We went back to her desk. Before I could show M. the website, a colleague interrupted us and demanded M.'s immediate attention. I went to my desk and wrote down the URL on a sticky note, then I left it on M.'s desk. When she was free a minute or so later, she started typing in the address.

M: "Tunnel Scene, Jake? Ha ha!"

J: "Yeah." (I smile.)

I showed her how to start at the beginning and navigate forward so she could read them in chronological order. I saw at my desk and breathed. At least the secret was out. I didn't feel nervous about it anymore. Now I just had to wait and see how she responds.

M. started at the beginning. She laughed from the onset, sometimes so hard that tears sprung from her eyes. Her cube mate and I both looked over her shoulder and followed along with the text. Neither of us had read some of the entries since they were published, and some of them brought back happy memories. Soon, we were all laughing. We couldn't help it.

I had a meeting with a manager from another team so I had to steel away from M. for an hour, but even sitting several rows away, M.'s laughter was all we could hear. I took it as a good sign.

When she was done, her cube mate asked her if she was mad.

M: "No, I'm not mad at all. I think it's funny because I'm me and I know what happened before and after, but I'm not sure anyone else would see the humor."

J: "Don't worry, M. People love it! They love reading about you."

M: "It's so random."

The next day, I sent M. a text to see how she was feeling. Out of all the things I expected, I didn't expect this:

M: "You are a very good writer, Jake. I think you could follow a feather around and make it sound exciting and entertaining to everone who reads it. I am flattered that you're writing about me."

It's one of the best text messages I've ever received. Thank you, M! :) The truth is, I simply write down what M. says and does. She's very easy to write about.

We'll work together again this Monday, and I have no idea what to expect. Things might be slightly awkward between us for the first few days, because M. is aware of the blog, and she knows I'm writing about her. I question whether I'll continue takings notes in secret or whether I'll openly show M. the pad of paper and pen as I jot down her quotes.

But so far, so good. Don't you think?

CLUMP OF SHAWL

Monday, October 12, 2009

M. has her shawl wrapped around her when a big clump of it falls to the floor in front of her. We all stare at it before M. picks it up and places it on her forehead.

M: "These are my bangs."

J: "You look like the Statue of Liberty."

M. holds her arm up like she's holding a torch. Then she moves the clump of shawl to her chin, like it's a beard.

M: "This is how I wake up everyday. This is what happens if I don't shave."

She places the clump of shawl in in her ear, at the edge of her sleeve, then below her skirt, then around her ankle.

M: "This is what happens when I don't shave here, here, here, or there."

Eventually, M. wraps the mini shawl around her Buddha and leaves it alone.

Things are different today. M. insists she just feels tired, but I think her awareness of the blog is affecting her natural personality. Every so often, she'll start a funny pose, or begin going off about something random, only to cut it short with a knowing glance in my direction.

Hopefully, everything will go back to normal soon.

M. finds out I am buying a new car. Her response:

M: "Jake, who drives a silver car?"

J: "You do."

M: "My car is black."

J: "Oh? Did you have it painted?"

M: "Well, it was silver yesterday. Today it's black.

J: "Right."

I rush to her desk and rub her little Buddha head.

M: "Jake!"

WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING I DID SOMETHING

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

J: "When you weren't looking, I did something."

M: "Oh really, Jake? When you weren't looking, I did something."

J: "What did you do?"

M: "Wouldn't you like to know?"

J: "Yeah."

M: "You want to rub the Buddha head, Jake? Go ahead and rub the Buddha head."

J: "OK." (I rub the head.) "Ahhh! You put lotion on your Buddha!"

M: "Ha ha ha! It's not lotion, it's conditioner."

The team celebrates M.'s birthday as well as another team mate's birthday with a quiet song. We sing, in very low tones and volume, "Happy Birthday to you." We keep it quiet because M.'s cube mate is on the phone with a customer. It sounds depressing, terribly sad, and somehow hilarious.

M. tries to hide, but she is surrounded.

Everyone on the team brought something in. We had chili, cake, salad, drinks, etc.

M: "I can't wait to eat some chilicake."

Later, M.'s "famous" friend comes over and shows us some wild Samba dance moves. To the untrained eye, it appears the famous friend is attacking somebody with weird crane kicks, karate hands, and aggressive huffs.

M: "Are you sure this is a dance class and not a self-defense class? Those moves are really ballsy, if you know what I mean."

Famous friend: "Wha??"

M. hands her iTouch to me and tells me to watch an uncensored music video. It's a song called "Addicted" by Saving Abel. Normally, I like this kind of filth, but I'm at work... It's very uncomfortable, but still very cool.

Check it out:


Saving Abel - Addicted (UNCENSORED)
by CodeElipse