SPANDEX

Thursday, October 15, 2009

M: "I have one word for you, Jake, and here it is."

M. places a very small typed word on my desk. the word is "spandex." M. has clipped it from a magazine.

J: "What is this?"

M: "It's a word, Jake."

J: "Spandex? Why?"

M: "Why, Jake?"

J: "Oh God..."

Later in the day, I ask M. who she thinks the most clever person in the world.

M: "I think it's a tie between Paris Hilton and... what's her name? She's a singer, kind of like Christina Aguilera... not Britney Spears- she'd come in 2nd.... MARIAH CAREY! Have you heard her song lyrics, Jake? I have to grab a dictionary to figure out what she is saying. 'I see right through you like you're bathing in Windex.'"

J: "I would think the most clever person in the world is probably someone like Stephen Hawking-"

M: "Jake, did you hear the song lyrics? Stevie Hockey can't write lyrics like that."

J: "Stevie Hockey?"

M: "Stevie H!"



Earlier, M. asked me a question with a look of sadness in her eyes.

M: "What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?"

J: "I dunno. What?"

M: "Cancer." :(

HOUSE FLY

Sunday, October 18, 2009 This brief but stirring text conversation took place earlier this afternoon... M: "Soooo I killed a fly and tried to convince myself he was being a pain. But the reality of it all is I killed him because I could." M: "...it was easy." M: "He was just sitting there eating tanning lotion and I killed him." M: "That's just how I roll." J: "Hardcore." M: "...just eating tanning lotion minding his own business..."

NAME DROPPING

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

M. drops a pile of multi-colored post-it notes on my desk. Each one has a hand-written name on it.

J: "What is this?"

M: "I'm name dropping, Jake." (She giggles.)

J: "But these aren't names of celebrities."

M: "Jake! What are you doing here. You should be home resting."

I had some minor surgery yesterday on the pit of my left elbow. There is a white bandage taped to my arm. Not to be outdone, M. takes a small white towel and attaches it around her arm.

M: "Sure, Jake. Just because I had major surgery yesterday you had to go out and copy me." (She leaves the towel wrapped around her arm through lunch.)

J: "We've never had a serious conversation, M. It's like a switch is always turned on in your head. Why can't we just talk?"

M: "What? Why can't you be serious, Jake. You are impossible to talk to!"

I run over and rub her Buddha's little head.

J: "Do you want to write today's blog?"

M: "What?"

J: "That would be hilarious if you wrote a blog about today."

M: "What are you talking about, Jake? What blog?"

J: "Never mind."

ASK M.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009 Have you ever wanted to ask M. a question? Here is your opportunity! I need your questions for an up-coming interview with M. Post them here as a comment. The questions will be randomly selected and answered in an upcoming blog, or maybe even an audio clip! (All comments are moderated.)

ARROWHEAD FOUNTAIN

Thursday, October 22, 2009

M: "Wanna see my impression of a fountain?"

J: "Sure."

M. takes a swig of water from her bottle, swishes it around in her mouth and laughs.

M: "Hold on."

She takes another swig, swishes it some more and laughs again, causing water to spill down her chin.

J: "Was that it?"

M: "No, wait!"

She takes a big swig of water, swishes it around in her mouth and tilts her head back. A small spurt of water squirts from her mouth onto the floor in front of her.

M: "Ta-da!"

J: "I was expecting the water to come out of your mouth and go back in."

M: "What kind of a fountain does that?"

J: "I dunno, but I thought that's what you meant."

M: "That would be cool. I used to be able to do a better fountain but because of my braces, the water separates before it comes out."

J: "So, you basically spit water onto the floor in front of you and call it a fountain?"

M: "Yeah, it gets on my clothes too."

M. wipes herself off. She has dribble marks all down the front of her shirt.

There is an Arrowhead water bottle label wrapped around M.'s wrist. I inquire about it.

M: "Jake, don't be jealous. Not everybody can have an Arrowhead wrapper on their wrist, OK? You don't have to be so jealous of everything I do."

I ask if I can bring in my voice recorder and conduct an interview with M.

M: "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

J: "Because you are entertaining."

She changes the subject, asking me why I haven't eaten more than a granola bar for breakfast.

J: "Because that's all I was hungry for."

M: "You look pale. Now you look green. You've gone from pale to green, and all you've had to eat is a granola bar and coffee. What is wrong with you?"

J: "I don't know."